02/11/05
How Do I Always End Up Here?

This dream gave me a very rattled feeling while I was having it, though I don't quite understand why, on waking up.

This may in fact be two or more different dreams, and I am not sure if this is the order--immediately on awakening I thought the "sundae" part came AFTER the walking part--but then I thought otherwise. I'll just go in the order I wrote it down in.

I was at some kind of restaurant with Ma; it was like the old Family House Restaurant, which is now China One, a Chinese restaurant, though the one in my dream wasn't. It was kind of dim and the walls and such were dark and drab but it was well lit over the booths and tables. If it were China One I would have been seated on the right side of the lower level, facing the upper level, much like in real life. (If there was an upper level, which there might not have been.) Ma sat in front of me and I guess we had just finished eating our main course; I don't recall what mine was, only that once it was gone, I still felt hungry. :/ I remembered they had really great hot-fudge sundaes--so perhaps this was supposed to be Big Boy--and I suddenly thought of getting one of those, since I wasn't too full to eat one for a change. The waitress, a friendly young woman perhaps with short-styled reddish hair, came along and I leaned toward Ma to murmur that I wanted a sundae for dessert. (I usually have her give the waitress my orders since I'm so shy.)

The waitress stepped up to us and asked us how our meal was. She was all smiles. Ma hadn't heard or listened to me and said that it was good; when the waitress asked if we wanted anything else, I believe Ma said no. :( I shot Ma a look and tried to capture her attention but she and the waitress were chattering a bit and I felt so miffed! I REALLY wanted a nice hot-fudge sundae! (I even remember thinking, "Should I get chocolate syrup or hot fudge?...I think I want hot fudge.") I was still hungry! But I didn't get Ma's attention in time and the waitress turned to walk away. Once she had I fumed at Ma and said something that started with, "This is why I never..." But I'm not sure what it was. Something like, "This is why I never want to eat here--you don't notice when I want to order dessert!" or "You tell the waitress we're done too soon!" or something like that, only it didn't seem so accusatory; I seemed more upset with the waitress than with Ma.

The waitress turned and came back and I thought she was going to at last ask if I wanted anything else. Instead she stopped kind of halfway to our booth and called out, "If you want anything else, I'll get right to it as soon as I get home." And then she left. And I was so absolutely confused!! How COULD she get to it if she was already home? It made no sense! I just grew even more upset. I was hungry and I had really been looking forward to that sundae. :(

There's a foggy area here but eventually it ended up that I was able to make my own sundae--this was a specialty they had here, you could make your own and they would show you how and everything. (This is the part of the dream which might have come right before I awoke, but I'm not sure; this order makes the most sense.) I seemed to be in a different part of the restaurant--maybe the upper level, though I felt it was at the opposite end. There seemed to be a partition cutting this area off from the rest of the room--again it was all in drab brownish-grayish tones with a sharp light directly overhead--and there was this high table or countertop which I stood at with a few other people--perhaps Ma, a/the waitress, and maybe another girl around my age who also wanted a sundae or something. The waitress, if it was still her, was showing us how to do this. There were mixing cups and a pot or pan or something and different ingredients. It was way more involved than making a real sundae would be! And the process and ingredients were rather odd. I remember there being (hot?) cocoa in a pot, and then we tossed dry cocoa powder in this in addition (I wondered why we needed to do that when it was ALREADY cocoa, prepared), then there were some more ingredients. I seemed to wander over to the other side of this table or counter to watch from there. Now the waitress or whoever poured ketchup in the mix and I stood there watching her stir this into the cocoa!! O_o At first I thought that was kind of disgusting, but she started talking about how it was regularly used, and it made sense in the dream. I thought perhaps the ketchup added that distinct "tang" to the sundae (not that sundaes HAVE a tang, in real life!); I was just surprised that ketchup was the secret ingredient that did that! I even said this aloud--"I never would have thought it was ketchup!" As I watched her stir, it's almost like there was a narrator voice in my head, or I was remembering something I'd read elsewhere, because it wasn't my own thoughts--somebody was talking rather pompously about the tart, tangy punch that ketchup added to the taste of sundaes. Very weird.

Well, I do not remember the sundae being finished or of being able to eat it; in fact I think I wandered off early. (If this was in fact the last part of the dream, there was some talk/thinking that had something to do with Nazis, but I did not take note of that part of the dream so it's completely gone. I know that THAT part was right before I awoke, even if the rest of this wasn't.) I somehow ended up in a classroom like my Abnormal Psychology class in high school, or my American History class. The lights were on and were bright so maybe it was night. Ma was again with me and a few others might have been present; the class hadn't started yet, apparently. There was no feeling of tension like it WOULD start, though. I think the desks were arranged oddly, perhaps in pairs or threes, like rows. I was near the middle-front of the class with Ma and I was talking about a webcam I visit daily online. It's a real webcam overlooking Main Street on Mackinac Island, from the roof of Horn's Bar, and even though it breaks down occasionally I love to go visit it and see what's going on on the island. Every time it does break down I get very sad. :( There was a time it was down for about a month and I was sure it wasn't coming back until summer; that really upset me. Well, in this dream I had apparently gone to visit it and first it had been switched to a view not of Main Street, Mackinac Island, but of the inside of someplace, or another street in Cheboygan (my hometown); then it had switched again, to the interior of one of the hallways of Cheboygan High School, overlooking some lockers; I had seen some students wandering around (it was like live streaming feed now, not updating still shots). At first the change hadn't affected me much since I had either thought it was temporary or hadn't really thought about it at all, but now that I had a chance to really think about it, I was growing very sad. I was telling Ma about this, of how they had changed the camera view; I wondered if it would ever return to normal or if it would just stay in Cheboygan. If I wanted to see Cheboygan all I had to do was go downtown or step outside! :( Ma was somewhat sympathetic but didn't really care one way or the other.

It's foggy again here; I guess I just left the class. Now the rest of this gets kind of hazy and I do not even recall my motives for doing this, but this is basically what I did. I went wandering around in the school hallway. It was still the high school at first, I believe, and the halls had numerous students walking around, though as I said it was not tense; I never got a feeling of being late for a class, oddly enough! ^_^ I did a lot of walking and now I got this feeling I can't really describe...I was observing things very closely, yet I felt rather invisible, like no one could see me...I can't really describe it. I felt like an observer, not a part of things. I even seem to recall passing through a "back" section of the school (somewhere near the band room, an area which I barely knew in real life) which recurs in certain dreams of mine, almost like an abandoned, "I never knew this was here" area. I was curious. But as the scenery shifted my feelings did too. At some point the high school hallways seemed to morph instead into the junior high school hallways and this feeling was most intense now--I was hoping somebody WOULD notice me. Either that or I was hoping that if somebody did see me, they'd ask me what I was doing, and I could just say I was lost and trying to find something; like I wasn't supposed to be there, almost. I wasn't so much LOST as not aware of where I was going--I had no real goal--and I didn't want them to kick me out because of that. I wanted to look around. But yes, I did also want to be noticed.

I walked past a few classes with doors open and people inside--just a few here and there, not really taking the classes but conversing since class hadn't started or else was out--and came to a big central area where the principal's office was located. It looked more like the high school office, near the middle of the school and surrounded by glass windows so you can see inside, but it was supposed to be the junior high. If it were high school I would have been near the Sophomore Hall entrance, with the office on my left; I slowed down directly beside it and there was a big desk inside facing me (in real life it is a counter which faces perpendicular to that, that is, facing forward, the direction I had been walking in), and a skinny man with light ugly hair and a light mustache sat in here, not looking at me. He reminded me kind of of Mr. Garthus, a junior high teacher of mine. I knew he was the principal...this is kind of odd because I also got a feeling of "woman" from him, so maybe he shifted between being a guy and being a woman? Not sure. I thought something like, "Even the principal doesn't notice me!" or "I wish he would notice me, what with all those windows making me so obvious!" But he didn't even look up. I kept on walking.

I think the junior high halls then seemed to shift into the halls or aisles of a store/supermarket. I'm not sure though, maybe it was an airport or another school. They were white or bluish-white (due to fluorescent lighting, perhaps?) and still busy with people; I walked faster now, with more of a sense of purpose. I didn't know what that purpose was though. I cannot recall the exact layout but at some point I went into a side hallway or stepped into a doorway...it wasn't solid or cut off from the rest...maybe it was a cul-de-sac (half circle?) or something. Hard to explain. The material of the wall of this space I went into was of a bluish-grayish color and might have been like rough fabric or cloth. I remember a weird curving, organic shape to the wall/doorway, some section that stuck out. I stepped in here as if to get out of sight or avoid something, then went walking again. And I noticed my Grandma H. somewhere a distance behind me. I REALLY did not want her to see me for some reason, so I started walking much faster. But she noticed me and called out, "Rachel!" I pretended not to hear her, and I felt my act was convincing since right at that moment I started jogging, like I had something very urgent to do. The part with the organic-looking doorway might have in fact come here, because I dodged into a side hallway or behind a door or something to further avoid Grandma. I did not feel guilty doing this; it felt important that I keep going and not be detained. Even if I was partly acting, that I had not heard her.

The switch here is a bit foggy; perhaps I went around a corner. In any case I was now going up some steps, and instead of the halls of a school or store, there were glass windows on both sides of me, and a carpeted floor, and perhaps stones set into it, and a glass and wood doorway at the top of this set of steps (it was perhaps three or five steps, not tall). I took the steps and pushed open the door, which just led into another, identical section of hallway. I remember stone but I also seem to recall there were the glass-windowed walls; maybe it switched to stone walls in this hallway? In any event, as I pushed on the door, I then thought, "I'm in the UAW now."

This is where the dream began to get weird. I just kind of silently took in my surroundings as I opened the door and then reached this conclusion, that yes, this was the UAW Family Center where my dad works. And I got the feeling this was a dream, though I did NOT get lucid. It's like I knew I was now wandering through a set of dreamscapes sheerly because of the distinct settings I was in--the school hallway, the store hallway, the UAW hallway--I recognized each as a recurring setting in dreams of mine, and reacted accordingly. But even as I knew these were dream settings and had a feeling I was dreaming, I didn't get lucid, and I didn't get a feeling that this was not real or something I could awaken from. I can't really explain it. :/ It was like being stuck between two states of consciousness...or rather, like dreaming was every bit as real as reality. I'm araid I can't adequately describe it.

I continued on my way through the UAW hallways, now aware that I was in fact visiting recurring dream settings. I walked with a great sense of purpose and I observed everything I walked by; it seemed important to do so. There's another foggy area here, and THEN I was walking down college dorm hallways instead. I do not remember these as distinctly but I know that's what they were. I walked and walked and walked, and finally came out into a college dorm room, complete with bunkbeds and messy clothing scattered around the place--there was white light coming in a window with a sheer drape on it or something--and it was here that I at last halted, threw up my arms, and really seemed to flip out.

I glanced at the messy college room around me--recognized it as a recurring dream setting which I somehow came to over and over again in my dreams--and flung up my arms and yelled in a voice of rising panic, "HOW DO I ALWAYS END UP HERE??" Because that was the feeling I got--in my dreams--I ALWAYS ended up in this room or a variant of it--a messy college dorm room--and I knew it was important that I figure this out--but I didn't have any clue! I had no idea why I kept ending up HERE of all places! And this feeling, of always ending up in this same innocuous location, and not even knowing why, really freaked me out. I even remember thinking that I should not yell--yet I felt so frustrated and anxious, that I raised my voice more and more as I spoke, until I ended up practically shouting at the room itself. I may have even repeated myself a couple of times as I turned in helpless circles--"Why here? How do I ALWAYS end up here--?" But of course no direct answer was forthcoming. :/

I paused and tried to calm myself. Well, I was confused as all hell but I had to keep going and maybe then I'd figure it out. I think I started walking again as a doorway or another room appeared ahead of me (I'd seemed to walk into the room to my right, turn, and maybe the room was set back a way here as there was another way out, in the same direction as the way I'd just come from but not directly beside it), and I may have then passed through a few more rooms similar to the first, maybe in an upstairs level, similar to dreams I've had of wandering through nice houses--wood, carpeting, dark colors--can't remember anything more distinct than that. And if the sundae part of the dream did not come then, there was then the little bit about me thinking or discussing something about Nazis, and then I awoke.

Real-life associations: None I can think of. I did have another "hidden rooms" or "I never knew we had this room before!" dream a couple of nights ago while napping on the couch but did not take note of it. So perhaps this is related. The oddest thing in the dream was my reaction to my surroundings. While the school IS a recurring dream setting of mine...and stores do show up, and I guess the UAW could have been a recurring theme way back when (I used to dream of it often, not nearly so much anymore, though when I do it seems to be the hallways I focus on)...I do not really understand the significance of the college hallways, and dorm room, in setting me off so badly. While I probably HAVE dreamed of such settings, they are by no means recurring, at least not that I'm aware of, and while the room did seem familiar it certainly isn't any location I "always end up" in. But in the dream, it was, and this fact frustrated me severely. I hated that my dreams kept ending me up in this particular place and I did not know why. But the plain truth is, my dreams DON'T do that, so that's even more puzzling. Why did my sleeping brain focus on THIS location as important and recurring, when in real life, it isn't? And even if it were, why did it rattle me so much? I actually got almost a bad feeling from being there, yet again (even if I've never "really" been there before!). :/

Another interesting element was the HUGELY recurring theme, in this dream, of the hallways--from the time I left the classroom to the time I reached the dorm room, that's all I was doing, walking down hallways.



2005 Dreams
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