05/08/04
The Answer Is...34
This is just an image from a dream I had. It had something to do with a Masonic symbol I was looking at. I think at first it was round, but then it might have been only a half circle. Of course I was trying to think of the Masonic emblem of the square and compass with the letter G, but in my dream I think they were arranged in a more circular way or had a circle around them, so when I saw this emblem I said, "Oh! I thought it was a circle, not a half circle." I seemed to be in the living room looking at this.
The emblem might have changed while I looked at it. I seem to remember the color dark yellow, like maize, and maybe a raised edge around the circle. Then I think it had a number on it (maybe instead of the letter G?). I believe the number was 34, though I'm not 100% positive. As with the shape of the emblem, I'd expected it to be something different, something with more of a known connection to Freemasonry; maybe a mystical number like seven or nine or something. 34? That absolutely mystified me. Dad came into the room (he used to be a Freemason) and I think I asked him what the 34 was, and of course he answered that it was a number important to the Freemasons. But I don't think I ever learned what its exact significance was.
As far as I know the number 34 holds no significance for any mystical or religious systems whatsoever, and no significance for me personally, so why that particular number showed up, I have no clue. :/
It's The End Of Google As We Know It
I had this brief dream while dozing on the couch. Somehow I found out that the popular search engine Google.com was going out of business! This horrified me! Google is my absolute favorite search engine EVER and they always give the best results. So to hear they would no longer be around was quite a shock! I went online and started looking around to see if it were true or not.
Unfortunately, it seemed to be. I think there was a news notice link on Google's main page about how they had just gone bankrupt and could no longer finance the site, so it would be gone soon. I knew it must cost an awful lot to run the search engine, but Google is so POPULAR! Surely someone would be able to fund them if they asked? They didn't seem interested in doing that, though. :( Now, I know that in real life the loss of Google WOULD upset me since it's such a great site, but in my dream I was taking this WAY too personally. It's almost like I felt my webpages were only indexed by Google so who would ever find my sites without it? How would *I* ever find sites I wanted to without Google? (The thought of using other search engines either didn't cross my mind, or else Google was just so damn good that NOTHING could replace it.)
I started seeking out more news items and forum postings to try to glean more information, hoping so much that it was either not as bad as it sounded or that somebody would find a way to come to Google's rescue. I didn't get to find what I wanted before I drifted out of that dream. At some point I remember looking at Google's search bar, and I just felt so awful that they would not be around much longer. Such a waste! -_-
Crossing Paths
Again, this dream, from the same nap as "It's The End Of Google As We Know It," was very vague, more emotions and thoughts than images, so all I can do is give a summary of what happened. But in order to do that I have to give some real-life backstory.
In real life a long while back I started leaving notes to a diarist on an online diary site; I'll call her T. She was a practicing Satanist or some such and I admired a lot of her opinions and left her frequent notes at first, and she left me some. The notes began to dwindle though and eventually she stopped leaving me any entirely; for my part, I noticed that some of her views were quite in conflict with what I personally believe, and I was even offended by some of them, so I stopped leaving HER notes as well. Even though nothing personal ever really happened between us I'm still somewhat resentful of her because she started to lose interest in me first, and I admit, I took some of her more general opinions personally (for example she hated America, and claimed that it was GOOD when terrorists blew things up). I shouldn't have, but I did. I guess I just felt that she could have been a bit more tactful or understanding since some of her readers were American and might have known people who died in terrorist attacks; I just can't respect somebody who thinks terrorism is a good thing, for any reason. So we just fell out of contact with each other, and last I knew she was hardly onsite anymore anyway. Oh, I forgot; I also envied her because she had lots and lots of readers despite her often mundane entries, yet no matter how hard I try in my online journal I can't seem to interest many people whatsoever.
Also in real life, much more recently, I received a couple of notes on an entry of mine on another journal site from a completely different user who I will call F. I don't know this person aside from what little I've since read of their journal. They too follow a nontraditional religion (not Satanism though), and as with T., what I saw of their entries intrigued me. I replied to their notes and asked if I could ask them a question regarding their faith. They've since replied. Before they did though I logged off and immediately started agonizing over this, because their notes had had to do with my tendency to get upset when people don't reply to me whenever I try to strike up a correspondence. I felt I was just setting myself up yet again by asking this person to communicate with me; what if this just turns out like all the other times I was interested in someone and they never got back to me even when they said they would? This happens repeatedly, and was even the reason behind the notes F. left in the first place, and part of the reason behind the ending of my note-leaving at T.'s diary.
Well...in the dream I had, it's like all of this tied in together and illustrated the anxiety I've been feeling since replying to the notes. In the dream, I was online and I can't remember if F. had replied to my note yet or not, but for some reason I seemed to be looking around for information on this user. I think I looked at their journal and found a link to their personal website. I went to see that and it either looked familiar or just sounded familiar. Then I think I found a link to their "old" diary or something. Somewhere along the way I noticed that on their personal website or somewhere else they now bore the username of "Titania" (a name very similar to T.'s real-life username). The similarity of this name to T.'s name puzzled me and made me anxious. I clicked around a bit more and found out that one of the links led in fact to T.'s old diary on the first diary site I mentioned earlier. And I immediately felt like the WORLD'S BIGGEST FOOL.
I had just left a friendly, let's-communicate-a-bit note to the same person who had pretty much ended up ignoring me in the first place! Somebody who I've grown resentful of for both good and stupid reasons. It's a bad habit of mine but I have a thing against just getting friendly with somebody I have a grudge against, even if they are acting friendly toward me; so the fact that I had left them this friendly note, ignorant of our past relationship (such as it was), made me feel so incredibly stupid. The signs had all been there, and I'd missed them. I couldn't understand why T. would be interested in leaving me notes again or of replying to my own notes, but she had, and in a friendly manner. Still, what if she was faking it, and laughing at me behind my back? What if we would strike up a correspondence again, then it would end up just as it had before? The real outcome didn't matter to me; I just felt so stupid that I hadn't even known I was trying to touch base with somebody who I'd failed to establish proper communication with already. What's more, I had bad feelings against her. Now she was acting friendly, and I had no clue whatsoever how to proceed. I STILL had those bad feelings, and those pretty much prevent me from being friendly with people who've slighted me, no matter how kind they might seem. (Once bitten, twice shy.) :/
I can't stress how stupid I felt after discovering this. I sat at the computer with my hand to my eyes, mumbling, "Of COURSE it would turn out to be HER. Go figure I'd do something moronic like THAT!" I think I felt worst of all that I had asked to start communication "again" (I'd thought it was the first time) when the last time it had failed so miserably. I HATE bothering anyone, even my enemies--even if they don't even know they're my enemies--and bothering somebody TWICE was far worse than that. Plus there was the disappointment that I already knew this was somebody I couldn't rely on to keep writing to me, so what was the point of trying? :(
2004 Dreams
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