04/10/04
May & December

It's been a long time since I've had a dream which I can both remember well enough and have found coherent enough to take note of. (I've been going through a depressive phase lately; maybe that has something to do with it?) Even this one is vague; I'm really hoping I have a clear interesting dream sometime soon! o_o

By now I remember mostly only the feelings involved with this dream rather than the details themselves. All I can say for sure is that somehow I ended up in the company of an older man...I'd say in his fifties or sixties. (I'm currently twenty-seven myself, though my emotional age is MUCH younger.) I'm not positive what he looked like but his hair was not completely white or silver, and I think his face was somewhat craggy; he might have resembled Holling from Northern Exposure (John Cullum). Neither decrepit nor sophisticated nor rugged, just...older. Not ugly but not handsome either. We were not the only ones in the dream; I feel there were other people around us most of the time, people around my age. (I might have been younger, maybe college aged, in the dream; I seem to think of Michelle T. (classmate/old friend), so perhaps she was around somewhere.) Although I can't remember specifics I also get the feeling that the others in my dream, even while they were always around us, were off in a world of their own, cheerily doing things that didn't concern or involve us. This didn't particularly upset me at the time.

This older man was constantly with me, and I felt that he loved me. At first I felt very awkward because he was MUCH older than I am, I was not attracted to him, and I've never even been in a relationship whatsoever. Still, he seemed very devoted to me and I warmed to him as time went on. I STILL wasn't really attracted to him, but I liked the feeling of being cared for and loved. And he was always with me (not in a creepy stalker way either), so I didn't feel abandoned or neglected or anything. If I had to label it I'd say it was a "warm" feeling.

I had some sort of vague feeling that we were meant to be married for some reason, even though there was never any proposal...it seemed more like something that had been arranged without my knowledge, or something that was just meant to be. Part of me was very anxious, because I'm still a virgin and I KNEW that somewhere down the road we would have to be intimate; this thought made me very nervous. o_o Especially since I was not even attracted to this guy, and I practically did not even know him! It felt as if I had just met him, though he'd certainly grown attached to me quite fast.

The one particular image I remember was of us ending up in some kind of room...at some place...I think of a movie theater or drive-in, perhaps near the Glen's supermarket, although it was inside and it was well lit in warm light; I think of levels, like a leveled room. Maybe there was a movie theater nearby, or maybe we were just going to watch movies? The others were still all around us, chattering and doing their things. This older man took me in his arms and kind of lay down on the floor, I think, leaning his back or shoulder against the wall or something else so that I had to lie down with him. It wasn't anything sexual, just "cuddling." He held me so that he was kind of on his side or back holding me to him from behind, so I was sprawled over him a little bit. I felt very awkward again, because even though the gesture itself was innocent enough, I knew that in the future it might lead to other things--it would HAVE to, if we were meant to be married. I just did not feel ready for that. But the other part of me was still thinking, "He's been very considerate to me so far, and it's obvious he cares about me. Maybe I can grow to love him in time." I was not attracted to him physically whatsoever, but the mere fact that somebody loved me made me like him a little bit more. I remember kind of moving my leg around somewhat over his so I could get more comfortable and so he could hold me better. It was a very strange feeling, being held--I hate being touched in real life, even while part of me longs for it--but maybe I could grow to like it too.

I can't emphasize how mixed my feelings during this dream were. Part of me was afraid of getting more intimate, even while part of me hoped for it, in a way. Part of me did not care for him whatsoever, but part of me WANTED to care for him, as he cared for me. Part of me was anxious and even potentially terrified but another part of me was wondering about what things might come. Very strange feelings I don't think I've quite experienced in a dream or in real life before.



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