03/20/04
Firefly, Fire In The Sky
I can't recall how this started; perhaps I was in my bedroom at first, but then for some reason I was sitting in a car. I suppose it was meant to be Ma's car, but it didn't look at all like it. It was a small car but very spacious and airy inside with what must have been large wrapping windows for I had an excellent view of the outside, a much better, unobstructed view than I'd have in any car in real life. It possibly had a sunroof. It was sitting in the long driveway, its nose facing the garage (east) and its tail end facing the highway (west). I sat nearer the back of it, maybe where the trunk would be (the trunk was an open trunk, behind the back seat, I think, rather than a separate, enclosed trunk); I seemed to be elevated, so maybe I was sitting higher up than I should have been, regarding car safety. I sense the color pale gray so maybe that was the car's color. I think it was summer too as I felt clean--winter and cold weather make everything, especially the interiors of cars, feel dirty to me, yet I felt very free and unconcerned in this dream. I was turned somewhat so I faced the house/north, my left side closer to the back window.
I think at first I was looking up; I don't remember being in the car when this happened, so maybe I was in my room or somewhere else in the house at first. The sky was darkening--maybe evening or dawn--and in the dark blue high above I kept seeing little flashes of light. (The trees didn't much obstruct my view either, and even seemed to be leafless, despite the summery atmosphere.) At first I thought they were stars, until I saw how one of them was very slowly moving across the sky. Then another one. And another! I kept finding these moving stars! Then I assumed they were satellites; I've seen satellites moving way overhead before, and they move slowly and flash just like that. But then I followed one as it descended to earth and noticed sparks fly in a graceful trail as it evaporated against the ground in the field across the road. I don't specifically remember more than one doing this, though I did see more than one fall.
Meteorites! That's what they were!
I was not anxious as I was in my past dream, "Tiny Meteors," even though the sight was much similar. These were not striking in anywhere near the numbers of that dream so I thought it was more beautiful than threatening. Now I seemed to be in the back of the car watching these descend and I smiled in wonder. They weren't clogging the sky, but it seemed if I should so much as focus my eyes on one part of the sky, soon enough I'd see a shooting star there.
Then I noticed more little flickering things moving around outside the car, closer to the ground. The car now seemed to be parked right at the end of the driveway (it had been closer to the garage earlier), the ditch just in front of me. The ditch was full of tall reeds and such. Just as I started to suspect what these new flickering things were, one of them alighted on a reed and stopped there. FIREFLIES! Again, the place was not glutted with them, but they were drifting all around me. How beautiful! I've always loved fireflies. I even remember watching to see if I could make out the exact shape of their glowing green bellies and their dark wings. I found it odd yet beautiful how just as there were lights flickering and moving across the sky, so were there lights flickering and moving around closer to Earth. It seemed like more than a coincidence.
This feeling of wonder and delight was slightly marred when I noticed there were some insects of an unidentifiable sort in the car with me. Now it seemed to be LIGHTER outside, as I could see around me pretty well; I noticed a few large, pale, greenish flylike things lazily drifting around in the car with me. They startled me as I hadn't expected them, and I think I swatted at one to keep it away, but the shooting stars and fireflies had had such an effect on me that I didn't want to kill these weird bugs just now. I just wasn't sure I wanted them NEAR me. Then--one of them EXPLODED! Just splat, and its guts splattered the windows and myself. It wasn't overly grotesque, more like a little splat than anything, and the guts were not so gross that they made me cringe; it was just a bothersome little eruption. I realized somehow that that's what these greenish flies did--they just...exploded. I can't remember or think of the reason why if I even knew it. There were a couple of others still in the car and ugh, I didn't relish the thought of THEM going pop, too.
I seemed to be talking to myself about them as I kind of shied away from another one, lest it explode in my face. I also noticed that they left an odd smell behind when they exploded, almost like stinkbugs. (When you kill a stinkbug in real life, they let out this pungent sour, wet grass smell--I mean this smell is STRONG.) Ick! I was not overly repulsed by these things, and didn't fear them like I probably would in real life, but still, they could have come up with a less disgusting way of disposing of themselves. :P
I think I went inside at some point, and ended up sitting at the computer doing something. Dad came into the room and I looked out the window beside the computer--the view was better and wider than it is in real life, so I could see the corner and part of the field, unobstructed. It was kind of rosy outside, I think, like dusk. I believe I saw more of the shooting stars. Dad noticed them as well and stared at them. I told him what they were as he didn't seem to know, then the two of us watched out the window as they continued slowly descending and vanishing in puffs of sparks.
A Perfect Fit!
I was in my bedroom getting ready to go somewhere, maybe grocery shopping. My room was better lit than it usually is, even though the windows were covered; maybe they were covered only by drapes? So it must have been early afternoon. I started looking for pants to wear. I located what was probably supposed to be the pair I usually wear, a dark blue pair, though when I looked at them later on they seemed to be dark reddish or magenta. I put these on but then noticed a HUGE tear down the outside (?) of the left leg...I mean this thing just went on and on, from about the crotch or even higher, way down the leg. It wasn't an open tear as it still had filaments of fabric holding it together, but you could plainly see skin through it. Unacceptable.
I moved my leg this way and that, facing the bed and puzzling over this tear. It hadn't been there before, and I'd worn these pants just yesterday in my dream. I seemed to recall that there had been a very SLIGHT tear then, but nothing nearly as bad as this. I guessed it had just gotten worse since then, somehow. I didn't really question how. I just took them off and looked for another pair.
Now, in real life, I really do wear this dark blue pair all the time; I have other pants, but they're not as broken in, and my figure is not good and I am very picky about how my clothes feel. So even in the dream I was skeptical that I'd find another decent pair of pants. I located a dark reddish/burgundy pair similar to another pair I had in real life, only these were stirrup pants, and seemed a size or two too small. I didn't hold out much hope of them fitting, but decided to try them on anyway. I put them on and was surprised that the legs weren't as tight and clingy as I'd expected (I cannot STAND clingy clothing, even if it fits--I need it loose!). However, the pants seemed too short in the waist/crotch area (I need lots of space there too). For some reason I took a chance and PULLED them up as high as I could! (Yes, I wear my pants high--but with how high I pulled these in the dream, it was RIDICULOUS. They came up just underneath my breasts!) I expected to feel EXTREME discomfort...yet instead...the pants merely stretched themselves out, and...they fit! Wonder of wonders! I stood there flexing and stretching and looking at these pants. Go figure, I'd actually gotten a too-small pair to fit, and they weren't that uncomfortable, either. Huh.
I then started looking for my boots to put on, just to see how they would feel over the stirrups. However, even as I did this I still was not resolved on whether I was actually going to wear these pants or not. Sure, they weren't as uncomfortable as I'd thought, but they still felt unfamiliar, and what if they got uncomfortable later on when I had no chance to change them? I'd have to decide before I left.
I think this dream might have tied in to real life as the night before, I believe, I was trying on a couple of different bras at home.
Ritual Abuse Education
This is a vague dream I can't remember very well. I'll just summarize it as it best makes sense.
I was...somewhere...looking at a website on Satanic ritual abuse. I knew it had been put together by a female survivor so I think I was taking its content with a grain of salt. Still, it was interesting. I was looking at this on what was either a weird computer or not a computer at all; there was a screen, but the monitor was not right--it seemed much smaller, and rectangular (wider) rather than almost square, with a thick white frame around it; it was slightly to my left. I don't know where I was but I think it was a public place, maybe a classroom. (More on that later.) I tried clicking on one of the woman's links and it didn't work; I think it took me to the index page or the wrong page or something; it seemed to do something that websites don't normally do. In my dreams the Internet takes on an almost real-world quality, so it's almost like I was interacting with it physically somehow, like how a child moves parts around on a toy. Can't really explain it. I frowned and decided I should let this woman know she had an error on her website; I found that annoying and unprofessional. I can't remember much of the site content except that the background was white, and there seemed to be four columns or some such with some kind of headers on the page I was looking at, all side by side, maybe in rosy colors. I think I looked for a way to report the error to her.
The dream then shifted somewhat and instead of looking at this website I appeared to be in a class--perhaps it was the same room as before. All I can recall is chairs, maybe metal folding chairs--there might have been desks, especially for the overweight student (more on him in a minute), but I don't recall them. It was almost more of an auditorium feeling than a classroom. Ahead of me and slightly to my right was a big kid (I say kid only because I don't know what our ages were; all I know is we were students), overweight; he was facing me so his desk or whatever might have been turned around. It was so chaotic in here I sense it wasn't a normal classroom atmosphere anyway. I might have still been engrossed in the website or in reading about the subject, but I think maybe the others started talking about it too. The overweight kid kind of snorted as if amused and started talking about his girlfriend or potential girlfriend, I think...this is vague as I can't remember exactly what he said. All I know is he seemed to be dissing his girlfriend/future girlfriend, and it had something to do with SRA (Satanic ritual abuse). All I can guess is maybe he was minimizing what would be her problem if she had been abused in the past. I believe he mentioned sleeping with his girlfriend at one point (meaning sexual relations), so perhaps that was it; maybe he wouldn't allow her to dwell on her trauma because he wanted to have sex with her? I'm not sure, I just know he was ridiculing the whole thing and making it seem as if he wouldn't really care what things his girlfriend/potential girlfriend had been through if she had been abused; he'd have her do what he wanted.
This, of course, pissed me off. Instead of yelling though I started putting rhetorical questions to him. Again, I can only guess what I said. I think I asked something like, "What if you CAN'T spend a simple pleasurable night with your girlfriend? You seem so big on that, but what if she won't have sex with you because she's been so traumatized? Can you minimize the problem then? Is it that simple for you?" At one point I almost accidentally called him "Chris Farley" (he was fat and fair haired), but then I remembered that really wasn't his name; I think he was either someone else famous or had another famous name, though that was the only part of the dream in which I thought he was somebody famous. I stopped myself from calling him that (he got a look on his face as if he suspected what I had been about to say) and continued asking him questions. He kind of grinned awkwardly throughout this grilling, as if uncomfortable yet trying to hide it; I could tell he was getting antsy. He was quite skeptical of the whole SRA scenario and I was quite angry and frustrated that he was thinking so little of his girlfriend's/future girlfriend's possible trauma (it wasn't positive that she HAD been abused--I think we were both using this situation rhetorically--and it wasn't even certain if he had a girlfriend yet or not) that it took everything I had not to want to bite his head off. I tried very hard to remain levelheaded and civil, even if not totally courteous. I didn't start yelling at him or calling him names, which was pretty good, considering my temper when it comes to this subject.
2004 Dreams
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