12/11/03
The Disowned Son
I believe all three of the dreams from this night were either related or were even the same dream, but I'll treat them as different ones. This one seemed to be the most separate of the three, but also the vaguest and hardest to understand.
I was in my bedroom and woke up to go to the bathroom. I don't think I was getting up for good so I was not dressed (I sleep nude...sorry o_o ). It was dim in my room, bluish, so it must have been daylight outside. I went to my door and opened it a crack but realized that somebody was already in the bathroom--I believe it was my brother, Eric, who has lived in Georgia for years now (I live in Michigan). He was here, and maybe his wife, and some other people who were friends or something. I could hear them chatting in the living room. I wasn't as anxious as I'd usually be but I really wanted to use the bathroom and get back to bed or start my recording or whatever. I kind of wanted to call Eric to ask him to wait until I had gone, but decided to wait until he was done. It was rather weird because suddenly he was taking his shower and gouts of water were just GUSHING into my room, soaking me, like the shower water was coming through my door! (In real life the bathroom tub is right behind my closet, which is to the left of and set back from my door. Occasionally the shower leaks through my wall but it never gushes!) I mean, just these huge GOUTS of water, not even a spray. I stood here and kind of endured it, sputtering in dismay. I believe Eric or somebody else noticed what was happening and maybe he finished, but I tried to wave it off, saying it was all right. However, I didn't seem to directly confront anybody, as I was still hiding in my room. It was more like we were suspecting each other was there, not really responding to each other in person.
I believe Eric exited the bathroom and I then rushed in to use it. I think I was menstruating and that played a part in here but I can't remember how. I then think I went back to my bedroom but I had to go again so back I went a second time. I hoped I wouldn't irritate the others, and that they wouldn't see me as I was still indecent! For the rest of this I seemed to stay secluded in my room, though I stuck my head out the door and listened to the others talk. Eric was there again and now he seemed irritated about something. I can't remember exactly how this went, but for some reason the subject of discussion was Dad. Eric stood at the end of the hallway, kind of facing the kitchen, and gave this little dramatic speech for the others' benefit; I can't remember exactly what he said, but as I said it was dramatic, and it had to do with how much Dad now hated him. I seem to recall him saying, "He no longer loves me now," and perhaps he said that Dad had disowned him. All of this he said with a bitterly amused air. I grew upset on listening to it, even suggesting that he was wrong and Dad didn't mean it. Eric gave me that amused but bitter look--a sort of "Yeah, right" expression--and replied that he didn't believe that, Dad did hate him now. Something bad had happened between the two of them, and now Dad detested my brother. Or so he claimed.
There was a sort of shift here as I now remembered a trip that Dad, Eric, and I had taken to Tahquamenon Falls (in real life it was Dad, my mother, and I who took the trip) in the summer. I say the dream shifted because I no longer seemed to be in my room, but I can't say exactly WHERE I was; maybe in a gift shop near the falls? It seemed to be darker and woody and comforting looking, but I'm not sure; however, this was part of the memory, so it's not like I was really there. In any event, I remembered that on this trip, Dad and Eric for some reason had gotten into a HUGE fight, and that had resulted in their current enmity. I think I tried to mediate at one point, to try to get them to reconcile, but from the looks of it it hadn't worked. There was even a feeling of time manipulation here--"Can I prevent this argument from happening, so they do not hate each other in the future?" Very weird.
I felt very sad and upset about all of this, even if Eric seemed more bitter and resigned than anything, and his friends were just chattery. I hated that my family was turning against itself. :(
This dream may have been part of or related to the others of this night.
The Woman Who Loved A Polar Bear
All righty! Here's another BESTIALITY dream! However, in this one I was not the one with the feelings toward an animal, though as some people say, every character in a dream is just a part of ourselves...
Anyway, before I get ahead of myself...this dream started out with me in my room, I believe. I was sitting on my bed looking at or for yiffy pictures. I have already explained what "yiff" is (see "Mea Culpa")--it's "furry" (anthropomorphic) artwork with adult/sexual themes. I had some pictures/drawings of this and was looking through them, maybe for a specific picture. As in "Mea Culpa," I believe some of it was yiffy dinosaur artwork! (No idea why that keeps popping up, as I would probably be more interested in anthro mammals anyway.) I had some of the pictures I had picked out sitting in front of my right knee (I faced the foot of my bed), but I had a feeling somebody would come into my room soon and I did not want them to see what I was looking at, so I tried covering these up with the other sheets of paper. It took a few tries as they weren't fully covered the first time. Irritating! I don't remember anyone coming in, so I guess I was safe.
I might have left my room, but the dream shifted somewhat so this had to do with the show CSI or CSI: Miami; I think it was supposed to be the latter, but when the characters showed up they seemed to be from the former. Part of it took place in my bedroom so that's how it's confusing. I'll try to get it in the right order. There was an attractive woman, probably a brunette, with a polar bear, and it was lying on my bed as she sat atop it (straddling it) and vigorously scratched its shoulder area. And I mean VIGOROUSLY--she was scratching/scrubbing it so hard it was grimacing and baring its teeth. It was quite a small polar bear, about as big as or maybe even smaller than she was--it took me a while to realize this, but eventually even I thought, "That's a pretty small bear." What's odder is that at first I think I got the impression the bear was female, but I think later on--based on what happened--it was male. It didn't seem to like how hard the woman was scratching it, but it put up with it. The woman, in fact, seemed to like doing the scratching more than the bear liked receiving it! She had this odd smile on her face as she did so. I think I knew already that this was a weird situation. O_o
I think another part of the dream happened here, but continuing in the logical order, the show (if indeed it was on TV) then switched to showing the woman and this polar bear making out. O_O I think she was holding it from behind, or maybe the other way around; they were both sitting upright, not directly facing each other, and just kissing and putting their mouths all over each other's head and shoulders and such. (I apologize if this dream offends anyone, but I'm just describing it as I had it. >_< ) They were doing nothing else besides this, but they were really going at it. Again the woman seemed to be enjoying it more than the bear. I recall the bear tipping its head back to lick her face (if she indeed sat behind it), and she smiled the whole time. I think it then leaned over onto all fours--they had been on my bed until now, but maybe the bear now stood on the floor, with her still behind it?--and it kind of grumbled, and then pointed at the side of the room with one claw, toward a doorway (in the general direction of my door, though that would have been behind them in real life, plus this seemed instead to be in the wall beside where my door would be--in the direction of my parents' bedroom). Both the woman and I understood what the bear was indicating--it was telling her to go into this other room (whatever it was), and they would continue in there. With more than just kissing and petting. I remember being surprised that the bear was so intelligent that it could grumble a response and even point to where they wanted to go. The woman smiled coyly and got up to leave, the bear, I'm assuming, following. Aieeee-yike. o_o It was obvious what they had in mind, but the show cut from here, just like the teaser to CSI usually does.
Even before I saw what happened next, I was thinking, "There's going to be a LOT of blood! This will be very unpleasant."
Well, I don't recall them ever showing blood or anything, but I assumed that what had happened was, this bear ended up mauling this woman--before, during, or after they had relations--and the CSIs were going to be called in to investigate. For some reason maybe this had been set up or something--I mean, the bear obviously did the killing, but the woman should have known it would be dangerous, so who had convinced her or the bear to do this? (The bear may have killed her--if in fact it did--merely because this is what bears do--it wasn't out of malice or anything, even though it seemed to be more intelligent than the average bear. No Yogi jokes, please. I think the bear, by the way, was still alive, but not a huge threat--I get the feeling it would have been like, "Well, of course I killed her! I mean, I'm a bear, after all! But I'm done for now." ^_^ ) Well, instead of seeing the bloody killing site, I instead next saw the CSIs at work. They were in some kind of room, maybe where it had taken place, and some tourists or photographers or something were gathering outside (in an adjoining room, maybe a bedroom) and trying to get in. The CSIs glanced up, then quickly and purposefully strode over to close all the doors to the room, which seemed to be squarish, not very big, with white walls and a door in each wall. They closed one after the other and then stuck these weird screens--or filters--under each door. They were like big filters you put in a dryer or something--wooden rectangular frames, with mesh stretched inside them. These fit under the doors and maybe started trapping smoke that was pouring into the room...I don't have that written in my notes, but I seem to recall powdery smoke. It wasn't from a fire, or else it wasn't dangerous--they were just trying to catch it as evidence. The screens/filters were used for another reason, also.
Ma was watching this with me and she asked, "What are they doing that with the screens for?"
"The tourists/photographers were going to contaminate the crime scene," I explained. "They're using the filters to attempt to stop the contamination from spreading." So already the scene had been compromised, but the CSIs--who seemed to include at least Nick Stokes and Sara Sidle--were very calm about it, and didn't seem upset at all--they were very efficient and while not openly optimistic, they seemed to know what they were doing.
I should admit that while the woman and the bear were kissing each other, I was very curious about it, and yes, I did get some mild feelings. o_o But aside from that nothing more graphic happened--it was just me wondering what was going on and what would happen. The sexual aspect of the dream was more implied than anything.
I know these were the same dream, but there was then a big shift into "My Daughter Writes SMUT!" This dream may also have been related to or part of "The Disowned Son."
My Daughter Writes SMUT!
This was the same dream as "The Woman Who Loved A Polar Bear," but there was a big shift in plot.
OY, was this a very uncomfortable dream! o_o;;; You see, in real life I write erotica--most of it quite graphic, and much of it "yaoi"--male/male, or gay themed. I even have an entire fantasy series which features numerous M/M pairings, and while I try to make this writing as good as I try to make my regular writing--with plot and indepth characterization--it's something I have NOT told anyone in my family about. My parents likely believe me to be very prudish, which I am, and are surprised when I swear, which is something I have done only a couple of times when REALLY pissed off--so if they knew I write hardcore gay erotica, they would probably FREAK! There is a part of me that wishes I could just tell them and get it out in the open--I mean, so I write adult writing, so big whoop, I'm almost thirty years old already and it's not like I'm acting it out or anything--plus a tiny part of me wonders if they would actually like this writing?--but I'm just too terrified of how they would react. Add to this the very frustrating fact that both of my parents seem to have some issues with gay people (they don't out-and-out say they hate them, but Dad makes "queer" jokes on occasion, Ma insists every effeminate man is "a fluff," and both parents frequently allude to gay stereotypes), so that would just make matters worse if they found out exactly what KIND of erotica I prefer writing. Imagine this, me, being a closeted writer of a theme which is often closeted. ^_^;;
Well anyway...in this dream, Ma and I were seated in a restaurant like Big Boy, during the daytime (light outside but maybe overcast), talking about the episode of CSI or CSI: Miami we had just seen, with the woman who was in love with a polar bear. (See "The Woman Who Loved A Polar Bear".) I have written down "looking in pockets?" but I can't remember that; maybe I was digging around in my coat pockets for something as I spoke. I was talking as if Ma had not seen the show, and I said something like, "They showed what must have been THE makeout session of ALL makeout sessions..." I was about to proceed to describe the whole scene with the bear to Ma, but she then interrupted me and DAMN did this dream go downhill.
"That REMINDS me!" she cut in, in a sharp voice. I looked up and saw how she glared at me. I think she might have been wearing her glasses but I'm not sure. I just gave her a blank look and her look grew even more disapproving and she said, "Tjatit!"--as if that meant something.
I think even before she said the name, I was beginning to suspect what was going on. In real life all my erotica is saved right on the hard drive if she wants to look long enough. When she said "Tjatit," I grew confused--part of me was filled with dread, KNOWING she knew, while the other part was wondering, what the hell does "Tjatit" mean? Now this is rather odd, because I suspected this name had some meaning in particular for my erotica series, the Ameni Chronicles (the one I mentioned above). That story is set in ancient Egypt and all the characters have names that at least sound Egyptian (in fact most are made up). "Tjatit" is an Egyptian-sounding name. But I don't have any characters with that name in the story. I did a search at Google, but came up only with foreign pages, none of them having to do with Egypt...but I just opened up a Wordpad file I have saved in which I jotted down some made-up names for potential characters in the series, and...the name Tjat'it is among them. It's a name I have not used yet, but I created it, and it must have been lurking in my subconscious for Ma to mention it in my dream. Yet I have no clue why my brain would have chosen THAT particular name out of the eighteen I currently have listed; the only thing I know about it is that it sounds like a female name. Very, very weird.
Anyway, in the dream--as I said part of me was very confused and did not know exactly what Ma meant by "Tjatit." However, another part of me knew she had discovered my erotica and this name had something to do with it. I don't think it was the name of a character; maybe it was a name I had given the erotica itself, like a secret word or code word or something? Not sure. I believe that I had used the word when referring to my erotica in a journal entry or something, which meant she either found the writing or she had looked at my journal and then found it from there. Whichever it was, she knew a WHOLE lot more than I wanted her to!
I just continued staring at her blankly and decided to be truthful, if not entirely forthright. "I'm trying to remember what that is...?" I said in a calm voice, which was true, since I wasn't positive what the word alluded to in the dream. Ma just looked even MORE pissed off and I can't recall specifically what she said next, but I had been right--she'd seen me mention my adult writing in one of my computer files, and might have then found the writing itself. I don't know if she found the Ameni Chronicles or not--part of me, while feeling absolutely humiliated and terrified that she had found my adult writing, was still hoping she hadn't found THAT particular series as it's the most graphic of them all and has so much M/M sex in it!! >_<; I never did find out for certain whether she'd seen the Chronicles or not, but this was bad enough as it was. She KNEW!
She stared ranting now, and saying some things that didn't even make sense. I was actually wondering if she was joking with me, some of her comments were so ludicrous. At one point she snapped, "You're fired!"--I looked at her hard to see if there was any humor in her eyes, but I couldn't see any. Maybe she'd just lost it or something. o_O Or didn't know how to throw a rational fit. In any event, I finally responded, throwing my hands up in the air.
"Yes, I write adult writing! So there!" I exclaimed. Well, at least it was finally out in the open!
"No you don't!" she barked back at me. By that I knew she meant, "You're not going to ANYMORE!" or "You'd BETTER not still be writing it!" as it was obvious, hello, yes I DID write it! Then she snapped, "I won't read it!"
"You don't have to," I replied, really praying that that would be the end of it. "I keep it separate from my PG-13 writing so people who don't want to read that sort of thing won't come across it."
"Good!" She still glared at me, and I knew she wasn't going to just let it slide. She was still really, really pissed off. I felt absolutely miserable, just like I wanted to die. Which I did!
"I talk about it in my journal," I said. I'm not sure why I said this, as it would just invite more trouble--I hate talking to her about my journal in real life as once she actually came across it online and read a few entries--I still don't know the extent of what she read, but she read enough to advise me to "stop bitching"--I was HORRIFIED! My journal is ALSO saved to the hard drive so there's another thing to worry about. (I know, I just invite trouble to myself, but I need to save them SOMEWHERE...) I also knew she would not like the thought of me blathering about adult writing to any old person who should happen to read my journal--my parents are both very paranoid in real life and if they knew even HALF of what I yap about in my journal, they'd blow a fuse. So why I said this to Ma, I'm not sure. I know I had some valid point, but I just can't for the life of me remember it.
"I don't READ that," she said with disgust.
"You did once!" I shot back. I think that just got her even more pissed off than she already was. UGH, this was not going well at all.
I can't quite describe the weird vibe I got from her all throughout this dream. It's the feeling that she was not angry about this for the reason I thought she would be, but I can't be sure of that. I can't be sure of WHAT was making her angriest. Maybe she was angrier about the fact that I was actually sharing this writing with strangers online, than about the fact that I wrote the stuff at all. It could have been the other way around, but I think that's what it was--she was even more pissed off that I showed this stuff to other people I didn't even know. With the way she feels about EVERYONE online--she's angry that I share my REGULAR writing, as she insists every reader who says they enjoy my stories is only out to steal them and make money for themselves, a belief which I find very hurtful rather than flattering--I wouldn't be surprised if this was why she was so angry in the dream. It might have been a "You don't even share this stuff with US, why the hell are you sharing it with total STRANGERS?" reaction. But as I said, for some reason I could not get a clear read on exactly what she was thinking--remember I was trying very hard to determine whether she was joking or exaggerating or not--so my confusion and anxiety were very great. We were still simmering and shooting each other dirty looks and snapping things at each other when I awoke.
And I'm glad I did because I do not think that dream could have gotten any better! If I ever had even the teeniest thought of sharing that writing with my family, that thought is even teenier than ever now, if THAT'S the way they would react! :(
This dream might have also been related to or part of "The Disowned Son."
2003 Dreams
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