11/26/03
Moon Shots
I had a whole lot of dreams during my regular sleep yesterday, but they were rather convoluted and tied in together at points. As I'm not sure where one dream begins and ends or if they were even separate at all, I'll try to treat them as separate parts.
In one part, I was outside with Ma and Dad. It was bright and sunny but the trees were partly or mostly bare, so I think it was spring. (Maybe autumn, but for some reason my mind goes with spring.) We were out behind the garage, facing somewhat east. In real life not long ago Ma got a new digital camera which we can hardly afford; we have not told Dad about it yet. In the dream we had this digital camera and the old one; I think Dad and/or Ma was using the old Polaroid. The moon was up high above us and it was MUCH bigger than it is in real life. It was daytime out, but we could see it clearly even though the sunlight faded it. I think it was a three-quarters moon though I can't be sure. It seemed to move around in the sky at points, but it was always almost directly above us, and at some points there also might have been more than one moon. (See an older dream, "Multi-Moons & Shooting Stars," for this theme.)
For some reason Dad really wanted a picture of the moon. He seemed to be very interested in it, and almost desperate to get a shot. He was using the old camera but he wasn't very good with it and I guess his pictures weren't coming out very well. I pulled out the new Canon and said, "Here, let me try." I stepped onto the old paved section behind the garage (where a shed once stood) and pointed the camera skyward. I might have zoomed in; I think I used some function that the old camera doesn't have. I was wondering what Dad would think, seeing this new camera, but he didn't seem upset. I tried focusing on the moon though it seemed to shift to different spots a few times, but I believe I managed to get a few shots. I didn't know how good they were; I guess we were going to find out later on. I also think that when I looked through the viewfinder (I believe I was using that and not the LCD screen, though I might be wrong) my view was different from how it would have been through the actual camera; it was bigger, and there was some kind of transparent frame, instead of a black one.
This dream might have been related to or part of one of the others of the same night.
The Pros & Cons Of Black & Blue
This dream was a very weird one which didn't fit in with most of those from this night. I can't remember it very well.
I was...someplace...doing something...with somebody. o_o I went walking up some stairs, I think, into this upper level of a public-looking spot, and there was like a bedroom-type area here, open to the rest of the place. I think the bed was to the left, its side against the wall, and there was a smallish room section to the right, maybe with windows in front of me. Darker colors, maybe wood. I think of wooden bannisters, like on stairs. I started browsing around even though it was not my room and I felt as if I were trespassing. I think the owner of the room showed up--she was a younger, Gothy-looking girl, maybe in her teens, with black hair and dark clothing--but she was cool with me being there. I think she even asked me for some advice on what color clothing or costume she should wear--black, or blue? I decided to give her my own thoughts on the two different colors as clothing or costume accessories (she might have been dressing up for a costume party or Halloween or something), so I turned to her and started listing the pros and cons. (She stood to my left, maybe sitting on the bed.)
I can't remember which color I started with but I'll say black. This is all paraphrased, as by now I can't remember anything I said in specific except one thing. "Now black is a good color because you already wear a lot of it, so you're used to it and it suits you well. It's dark, it's Gothic, and it's mysterious. But it's kind of colorless, and might give people a bad impression. Now blue, this is also a good color to wear..." I listed some various reasons, as I had with black, then spotted a poster or something on the wall in front of me, with a picture of the older, cartoony Batman on it, and I said with some wry amusement, "...but blue as a costume color has already been used...on Batman here." (He was wearing his blue cape and cowl, the latter of which seemed to be thick and rubbery.)
Somewhere along in here the Goth girl had changed into...Ed, from the cartoon Ed, Edd, 'N' Eddy... O_o ...and as I spoke this part about Batman (it's the only specific comment I can remember making about the two colors), he seemed to be wearing a Batman-type costume which didn't fit him well, was too big for him or not put on properly, but I think he kind of nodded.
I forgot an earlier part of this dream. When the girl had first shown up and started asking me about the pros and cons of the two colors, I think I mutely nodded and only said "Mm-hm," a lot, because I wasn't supposed to or could not speak. I have written down "game" and "Electra"; those I forgot about also. I think at first this whole scenario was like a game and that's why I could not speak, though I was able to speak later; I'm not sure by now, sorry. :/ Also, the "Electra" comment had to do with the costumes and colors. Perhaps I said that the color black had already been used by the comic-book character Elektra, though even in the dream I remembered that Elektra wore red. Hm. Oh well. I wasn't even certain if I was getting her name right, so I believe I said "Elektra or whoever." I didn't want to appear ignorant, though I obviously failed that. >_< Very confusing.
This dream might have been related to or part of "Slippery When Wet," or one of the other dreams of the night.
Slippery When Wet
This dream was very clear as I was having it, but it was the part I remembered least on awakening.
I can only really remember going into a public bathroom area with some other people. Everything was rather taupe colored and the stalls extended in front of me to the left. I believe my old elementary school teacher Mrs. Caldwell was here, for some reason, and I might have interacted with her. I think I was looking for a stall and when I stepped into or out of one the floor was wet, which I found disgusting, of course. There were others with me, around my age, and we were doing something and there was more to this...I think I was rather anxious about something...but I'm afraid I can't remember what. I think we started to leave or maybe we were going to do something in the bathroom but again I can't recall. :/
This dream might have been related to or part of "The Pros & Cons Of Black & Blue," or one of the other dreams of the night.
Hello, Terrorist Alert?
This dream was rather confusing. At first I seemed to be both watching and an active part of an episode of Law & Order (the original one, I think). I wasn't really involved, but I was riding down G. Road (a road near my home) with at least two younger black kids on bikes (they were light skinned and had longer, frizzy hair and bulky clothing, like for winter). The closer boy might have had brown hair; I think he turned to look behind him at least once. (They didn't see me.) They were talking to each other like the people do in the teasers for L&O so at first I thought, and maybe made some comment, that they were going to get in trouble soon. However, it changed somewhat so they were then pedaling for their lives--somebody was after them. I wondered who it was and what would happen.
It shifted a bit here so now it was ME who was in danger, in what was supposed to be real life. I seemed to be in the house, or else ran inside, and went looking for the phone. I knew that Islamic terrorists were after me for whatever reason. o_o I picked up the phone and I think I called 911, but then I remembered that there were different numbers to dial depending on what particular type of emergency you were having--and there was even a specific number in case of personal terrorist threat!
The operator on the other end said, "Hello, 911." By now I was trying almost frantically to find the right number and I think I just asked the 911 operator what it was--
"What's the number for a terrorist threat?" I even wondered if the nationwide terror alert would be raised any. ^_^
At some point in this dream, maybe when I was speaking over the phone, the name "Osama" or "Saddam" was mentioned in my voice, on a tape recording. I think it was an older recording of mine, like from my childhood tapes, even though it sounded like my regular voice. I think it kind of echoed or sounded slow or something...I didn't take good enough notes so I can't recall the significance of this part. There was SOME important meaning to it, and some other people were listening to it and asking me questions (I wasn't a suspect in anything, they were merely seeking information)...but I just can't remember what. Maybe somebody asked me why I mentioned that particular name? I don't even recall the context in which it was used. :/
Another Reason To Switch To CDs
I was in my room listening to my music, but it was light in there--kind of dim, like my blinds were drawn, but with no cardboard over the windows, and daytime, when I do NOT dance to my music. I was listening to a Duran Duran tape, I believe, maybe their Decade album. As the song I was listening to ("Girls On Film"?--I think it was one of the A-side songs, unsure) came to an end, I peered into the tape door and saw that one of the reels had stopped moving. Nuts! I stopped the tape and pulled it out and sure enough, it had been eaten. This seemed to be my new tape/CD player though it was built differently in my dream. I carefully started extracting the tape and though a lot of it had been eaten, it seemed quite easy to do this. I might have tried to smooth it out or play it again afterwards, but I then said aloud that I would probably have to replace it, this time with a CD. (In real life I've only just gotten into switching to CDs. I'm slow, I know.)
Dad suddenly seemed to be there with me, or else I had gone out of my room. He heard me make the comment about buying a CD replacement (I was very casual about it, like "Oh well, I needed to replace it anyway") and made some kind of snarky comment, like, "Those tapes cause too much trouble." Though he was commenting on the tapes, the remark seemed to be a poke at me wanting to replace it with a CD, like he thought that was a waste of my time and money. I just shrugged it off; I was bound to replace it someday, it might as well be now.
This dream might have been related to or part of one of the others of this night.
Where Does The Time Go? Seriously?
This was not so much a single dream as a theme running all throughout my dreams of last night. The time of day kept changing throughout my dream(s), and this kept puzzling me. At one point I wanted to go riding down the road on my bike (something I haven't done in ages), only it was around 8:30 at night. Still, the sun was out, but it was almost right on the horizon and due to set very soon. I pondered how long a ride would take. Only about a half hour, probably enough time, but I didn't want to tempt fate. I felt disappointment that I couldn't take the ride.
Later on it again seemed to be 8:30 or later, yet...the sun had moved, so it was further north (I think), yet also higher up in the sky! I was very confused since it was supposed to have SET already. Should I ride down the road, then? I was still hesitant. I think also at some time I saw hazy clouds on the horizon and feared getting wet should I go down the road.
Yet at another point, I was making pizza rolls to eat. Just as I was finishing them I once again took note of what it was like outside. It was STILL light (it never seemed to get very dark, oddly enough!), but again late, and what was more, I had to eat these pizza rolls. I felt very conflicted and discordant. I knew something was up with the time in this dream but not what. Again, I decided it would be best to just eat the pizza rolls before they got cold, and that would of course mean missing out on riding down the road, since it should be too dark by the time I finished. I was tempted, though.
This dream was probably related to or part of one of the others of this night.
Mad Squirrel!
I can't remember exactly how this started...but a gray squirrel ended up inside our house, over near the front door and the stairwell. It's like I had been recently reading something about squirrels and I was thus quite on edge about this one. Ma and Dad seemed to be present, but the one actively going after the squirrel, I believe, was...Pepper? My old cat Pepper? :/ At least I think it was. The squirrel went running up to the front door and crouched there--it was just a small one, like a red squirrel, only light gray. As Pepper(?) went up to it, me trying to distract her, it bit her toe.
I ran and scooped the cat up in a panic. I think the squirrel might still have been attached to her and I started hitting it on the head! Just thunk-thunk-thunk with my knuckles! I wanted it to let go, and I was so afraid it had given Pepper rabies or something.
I'm not sure how, but the squirrel must have let go for it escaped, maybe running back for the door. I felt very guilty for having hit it on the head like that, even if I had been desperate. I was so worried about Pepper's health, and commented on this to my parents. What if it had given her a disease? What would we do? How long should we wait to get her help? I was just so confused and conflicted. :(
I think I might have gone online in the dream to look for a list of symptoms of different diseases that could be caused by being bitten by a rodent, so I could know what was wrong if Pepper started showing. This dream might have then shifted into "Mea Culpa." (It could also have been related to one of the other dreams of the night.)
Mea Culpa
This was a VERY unpleasant dream, and I actually felt miserable on waking up immediately after it. As the dream started with me being on the computer, I think it may have shifted out of "Mad Squirrel!"
I was on the computer, of course, surfing online at BS, a web community. I went into one forum and started browsing some pictures on the page, seeking out either one particular picture I might have posted there, or maybe a question I had asked. Whatever it was it had something to do with erotic dinosaur art. o_o; I have to explain. The other day in real life I was saving some "yiffy" artwork to CD. "Yiffy" art is "furry" (anthropomorphic) art that is considered adult in nature--often involving nudity or sexual situations. I prefer not to think of it as "porn" though I'm sure some people do. For some reason I just find yiffy furry art interesting, if it's well done--I refuse to go browsing regular porn sites, both out of convenience (horrible popups and covert downloads, for example!) and for personal reasons, so yiffy art is an alternative--it's not real, most of it is cartoony, so the guilt of looking at it isn't as great. (Though there is no way in HELL I will ever let my family know I look at it. That's all I do, by the way, is look. I do not have any weird habits or things I do while looking at it. o_o;; ) Well, in my dream, I think I might have drawn and/or just posted a yiffy dinosaur picture at BS in their erotic art forum. (At the real-life sites I came across some yiffy dragon art, but no yiffy dinosaur art.) I was curious to find this picture or look at other ones. I did find a few; the dinosaurs were realistic looking as opposed to cartoony, and seemed to be drawn in colored pencil, in soft, almost pastel colors; I remember some sort of bumpy/plated herbivore dinosaur, maybe in a lake or by some water, and one creature seemed to have some kind of hollow tentacle or tube maybe with a funnel-like thing on the end. I seem to remember pinks and oranges. Of course the dinosaurs were in sexual situations. My drawing (whether I had drawn it or merely uploaded it) wasn't in the same style as the others and I don't think I got as good a look at it, as this was when Dad entered the dream and things really went downhill.
I had a better view of the bathroom door in the hallway than I would in real life; it now seemed to be nighttime or very early morning, and Ma was sleeping on the couch. I heard the door open and turned to see Dad coming out, drying his hair with a towel. "I was using the computer earlier," he said, drawing my attention. "And then all of a sudden all of the files on the hard drive disappeared--all gone."
"All gone?" I exclaimed in shock. Oh no! EVERYTHING? In real life this would just DEVASTATE me. In the dream I was much calmer than I would be, though still upset. My mind started racing. I remembered Ma having told me something earlier about all the files on the hard drive disappearing--this seemed to corroborate that. Did I have my important files uploaded anywhere online so I would not have to panic so much? Oddly, the VERY FIRST files that jumped into my mind were my "Ameni Chronicles" stories--a very long erotic series of mine that you could rightly call yiffy. Had I lost them all? I remembered I had them all saved at Writing.com, except for some fragments and in-progress things, so that was not something to HUGELY panic about. Most of my writing is online, except the unfinished things; I had lost those, which in real life would really upset me, but in my dream I was more of the mind, "Oh well, at least the important stuff was saved." I didn't spend much time thinking of images and other types of files.
As I was thinking all this, Dad turned toward his room and said in a neutral, offhanded tone, "You must have done something wrong." Blaming HIS accident on ME! I just gaped, unable to believe what I'd heard. That was when I totally lost it.
"I did NOT do something wrong!" I fumed. "You can't pin this on me! You just said YOU were the one using the computer when it happened! YOU lost all the files!"
I don't recall exactly what he said, but he only seemed to reiterate that it was my fault--maybe with something like, "You messed it up," or maybe he accused me of having done something to the computer before he had used it. He was so calm yet accusatory about it--I got pissed off and went BALLISTIC!
"You stupid F--KHEAD!!" I screamed--I remember using that exact word, "f--khead." "You ALWAYS try to blame EVERYTHING that goes wrong in this house on me! Well this is the one thing you CAN'T blame on me! I'm not going to take it anymore! YOU messed up the DAMN computer, NOT me! I'm not going to just sit here and let you pin all your crap on me!"
I also specifically remember using the word "damn." The first curse came out out of pure rage, but I think I deliberately used "damn" to get a rise out of him--as I do not swear in real life, thus if I did so I'm sure my parents would be quite shocked. In fact, in real life once a long time ago I just got so PISSED at my dad that I did this--I said something about his "BITCHING," and I made sure to stress the word "BITCHING." His reaction had been to just give me this LOOK--his eyes went wide, and he had looked ready to MURDER me! Yet I think he was more shocked than anything. Well, in the dream, even though "f--khead" was by far the ruder word, I think it was "damn" that caught his attention. He whirled around and came stomping toward me, but I didn't back down. I stood up and started screaming in his face--I was so frustrated and angry beyond belief. I think he was yelling or fuming back at me, but I seemed to be the noisier one, even though at one point I made a comment like, "Do you want to wake up Ma?--you're going to, with all this YELLING!"
I don't remember specifically what Dad said to me during all this, though I know he was no longer so neutral and casual--he was furious, too. I remember that at one particularly violent point I grabbed him by the face--just grabbed both of his cheeks and started tugging on them, yanking his head from side to side! His beard didn't seem to be as full in this part, as I was pulling on the skin and not the hair, and his cheeks were looser as I could grip onto them. This was definitely not a good idea--he probably had that same look he had given me in real life when I said "bitching"--but I was too far gone to really care. I was just sick and tired of being blamed for EVERY little thing that went wrong, and now that he had blamed me for something that was CLEARLY not my fault, as opposed to all the other times when it could not conclusively be proven one way or the other, I finally could not take it anymore. I decided it was preferable to piss him off and regret it later than to just sit around and keep taking it for the rest of my life.
I don't know how I faded out of the screaming fit part, or if this part in fact came before that, but at one point I finally thought--"Wait a minute! If all the files were lost--then how was I just able to use the computer? I used the browser and surfed online and it was fine! I was even working on a file of mine earlier--it was still intact! Did we really lose all the files like Ma said...? Did this really happen...?"
If this part in fact came after the screaming fit, it might have helped me wake up, as the cohesion of the dream was starting to disintegrate as I questioned what had really happened. In any case the alarm went off then and I awoke, feeling absolutely miserable. I almost wanted to cry. -_-
I believe this dream, unlike most that I have, had a very clear tie-in to recent real-life events. It really IS Dad's habit to blame me for just about everything that goes wrong, whether I had anything to do with it, consciously or not. When the fridge started to act up, it was because I had "too much stuff in it." When the power bill came back high, it was because I "keep all the lights and the TV on all night" (even though now that I no longer do this, I've found it is *I* who have to nag my MOTHER to turn off the lights when she's not using them!). When the old TV started acting up, it was because I "hit it too much because it whistled" (something I HAD done--but so had he, on at least one occasion!). Whenever my VCRs break, it's because I "rewind them too much" (never mind that VCRs just don't last long, period). Whenever I can't get something to function properly, of course it's because I'm "not doing it right" (even if it doesn't work for him that way, either). The most recent event has been our fickle thermostat. The old one started refusing to work properly and I was often blamed for this--I would fiddle with it when it wouldn't work, in an attempt to get the heater to come on, and when even his instructions to me failed, he insisted I was "doing it wrong." Never mind that when HE did the same thing, it still did not work, and he had to go into the basement and mess with it down there. Well, he installed a new one a while back...and now IT is pulling the exact same stunts. It's like it can't recognize the temperature, so it refuses to come on. I tried a few times to turn it up in the hopes it would turn on the heater, but it never worked so I stopped doing this. Whenever I pointed out to Dad that it was acting up he would blame me or the cat--either the cat was jumping up and hitting it ("It has a delicate balance--if it's bumped it could break"), or I was running into it on my way to the bathroom--even though I do NOT run into the walls like that, and have NEVER bumped the thermostat! >:( In fact I have even made it a point to NOT touch the thing, so I cannot possibly be blamed for its malfunctioning. Still, it refuses to work right, so I have to keep telling Dad whenever this happens since he does not notice.
The thing is, he takes my comments as nagging or something, and almost EVERY time I point out that the heater has not been on for an abnormally long time and the temperature is falling, he insists I am crazy and stupid and it's working just fine--even when it turns out I'm right! I am very sensitive to the cold (I hate anything below about 75 degrees inside and get all sluggish and apathetic), and can notice these things before anyone else. So EVERY time the thermostat has acted up and I've pointed it out, I have been CORRECT--he has had to go down into the basement to fix it. Of course, being yelled at and called stupid makes it rather difficult for me to WANT to tell him when it's acting up, even if I do start to freeze, but I have to do it or else end up cold and miserable. Several days ago it was not running while he was in the basement working on other things; I waited until he had come up to tell him, and he got mad, saying, "Why didn't you tell me when I was DOWN there?" To which I groused, "I felt that if I told you, you'd just start yelling at me!" Which turned out to be true.
The other day, the heater had not run all night long. I neglected telling him in the morning before he left for work, as I feared him getting angry and yelling about having to go downstairs right before leaving. As a result...I spent the rest of the day freezing cold as the inside temperature dropped...and dropped...and dropped. It was one of the coldest days of the year so far, with high winds (our house has lots of crevices from poorly installed windows), and the INDOORS temperature dropped to about as low as 60 degrees. This doesn't seem very cold--if you are outside and well dressed. I wear light indoors clothes as I hate sweaters, plus I was in this temperature for HOURS, plus I am more sensitive to the cold than my parents are, plus I had to go to bed! I had three blankets and I STILL could not sleep, I was so shaking cold and miserable. When I finally heard Dad come home hours later, the very first thing I yelled through my door was "THERMOSTAT!" He went downstairs and fixed it...though it acted up again the next morning. And of course, when I pointed it out to him as he got up to go to the bathroom, he snapped, "You're CRAZY! It was running just a few hours ago! I got up to go to the bathroom at one and it was running!" To which I replied, "I got up to use the COMPUTER at one--and it was NOT running!" And it wasn't--I remembered this night specifically, even him getting up to go to the bathroom moments before I did the same and then sat down at the computer. I was keeping track of when it was running just so I would not be proven stupid! And I must have been right, as he had to go downstairs yet again and fix it.
I have NEVER been wrong about the thermostat acting up...yet he has never apologized for yelling or calling me stupid or crazy...and every time I bring it up yet again, he still insists that I am an idiot and that I'm wrong. No wonder I'm afraid of pointing out that the house is freezing, even if it's obvious!
Sorry for all that real-life yakking, but I believe this was what the dream was actually talking about. With all the recent events of the thermostat hanging over my head, combined with similar incidents in the past, I think my dream was just showing me finally "snapping" from the anger of being blamed for things that are not possibly my fault. Unlike most of my dreams this one made sense immediately upon awakening. I really DO feel I am too often blamed for things beyond my control (by both parents, not just my dad), and it's very frustrating and makes me feel very poorly about myself. I have yet to react the way I did in the dream--even though I feel like doing so every time!
This dream may have been related to or part of one of the other dreams of this night.
2003 Dreams
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