08/25/03
Damn, Those Are Some Big Ants

This is one of several dreams I remembered from my nap, but it's the only one that had any semblance of order to it that I can remember and outline so here goes.

From what I can recall, I seemed to be in the dining room and I think Ma was on the computer. The layout of things was slightly different; it was a bit more open, like maybe the dining room table wasn't there. I sense it was also a bit "older"...as in, the way it was a long time ago. Like my mom might have been involved in sewing projects (she used to sew things for people, long ago, before getting a fulltime job). I believe also that it was nighttime and I seemed to be younger though that could just be based on how I reacted in the dream.

I glanced to the right (I was facing the computer, standing in the big arched doorway) and saw what appeared to be a plate sitting atop something like a little table or a shelf. Upon this plate lay the bodies of about four or five HUMONGOUS ants. ANTS!! Either there was an earlier part to the dream or I had recall of something which had previously happened; I knew we were having an ant problem, and these were some ants that, instead of killing automatically, I had sprayed with something I had handy...probably my leave-in conditioner...and then they had been placed on this plate to die. (I can't imagine MYSELF picking them up and placing them there, but who knows, in a dream!) They were just lying there and they were HUGE. They were maybe four or five inches long, and the three parts of their bodies were large and round as well, maybe about an inch and a half in diameter. Instead of being shiny and black or red, they were translucent--their "skin" (exoskeleton, whatever) was tinted smoky gray, like Apache tear or whatever you call it...that frosted glass-type stuff. They were not shiny but frosted looking in appearance also. I sensed their entire bodies, all three sections, were filled with clear fluid (hence their fat, full, translucent look), and their eyes, instead of being huge and black, were smallish and red, just these two little red dots on the sides of their big heads. Almost like they'd been painted on. The insects were quite horrendous looking, for someone who is terrified of ants.

I stood and stared at them and thought, "Why am I so scared of them? Ants are harmless. Maybe if I just stare at them long enough I can convince myself that they can't hurt me, they're just bugs like praying mantises or moths, and I'll realize that they aren't so bad." I really got the feeling I could just get over my phobia once I realized how irrational it was. The more I stared at them, though, the more my irrational fear began to grow, until I was almost at a full-blown panic attack. I HATE ants!!

That was when I noticed that they were still alive! They wiggled their legs lethargically as if drugged. I remembered now that I had sprayed them with a chemical which was not meant to kill bugs (I've done this before in real life when nothing else is handy), so rather than dying quickly, they were dying slowly. I continued staring at them, then started fidgeting and then crying and then WAILING. Ma, nearby (probably at the computer), of course heard me and turned to see what was going on.

"What's wrong?" she asked in an annoyed voice.

I pointed at the plate of ants near my elbow. "They're dying!" I sobbed. "I want them to die, but I don't want them to die SLOWLY!"

Yes, you heard it...even though I detested the hideous creatures, I still pitied them in their moment of pain. o_o; I really do get like this sometimes...I used to fry loathsome tent caterpillars with a magnifying glass in real life, but it seemed to make them suffer so...no matter how much I hated them dropping into my hair...here, I felt guilty that I had sprayed the pests with a chemical and left them to die slowly when I should have just killed them and gotten it over with. No matter how much I hated them.

Ma got an irritated look. "Just step on them, then!"

"NO!" I screamed, flailing my arms and cringing. "I can't do that! THEY'LL SQUISH AND SQUIRT ALL OVER!!"

Now, this was probably carryover from real life; the night before, in the bathroom, I had spotted a large beetle of a type I despise trying to crawl into the tub and picked up a bottle of aloe lotion to squish it. I had to hit it twice because my aim was bad, and on the second blow its...um...guts...propelled themselves with much force from its hind region. x_x Although I hated the bug it was even more disturbing to see that, and I commenced cringing and whining in disgust. I believe the memory of this carried over into my dream...while squishing ants in real life isn't so bad as they're very small and...relatively dry, THESE ants on the plate were a different story, and I knew that stepping on them would be quite messy. With their size I would probably hit only part of their body, getting guts/fluids on myself in the process. I had vivid thoughts of putting on my sandals to do the job and getting thoroughly grossed out. ICK! That was even worse than watching them slowly die. No way I could do it.

So...I don't think anything was ever resolved. I could not squish the ants, yet watching them slowly die was painful, too. I just stood there fidgeting and freaking out and trying to figure out what to do with them. It was bad enough that they were lying there on that plate like they were on display or for dinner or something. I got the feeling that someone--Dad or my brother, Eric--had killed some ants earlier, or maybe I had, and I wished that perhaps they would come along and do the dirty work for me. UGH UGH UGH I hate ants!!



2003 Dreams
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