08/21/03
Skin & Bones

Lately I've been doing some (admittedly slight) exercising in private; I feel ashamed exercising because I'm not good at it and don't have much stamina and hate how there aren't instant results. I've just been wishing lately that I weighed less and was more fit. I'm not morbidly obese, but I'm rather dumpy, especially in the stomach/hips/thighs/behind area. (I look as if I have a swayback, is how bad it is.) The past several days I've been looking at the muscles of my legs (I've been doing stepping exercises since I work best with my legs, which is odd as they are the fattest part of me) and wondering if they're more toned or leaner or what. I thought maybe they were, but I believe it's just wishful thinking. Anyway my mind has been going in circles about this--they're more fit--no they're not--yes they are--etc. I was disappointed to learn the other day that stepping exercises do not make one lose weight, though they do help blood pressure and pulse and such, and at least they can help the muscles get stronger, if not get rid of the fat.

The whole time I'm still wishing I were much leaner. Not skinny scrawny, but at least presentable. I've long been ashamed of my looks; I always wear loose clothing, but I still hate how I look, even in that. No matter how loose the clothing, it never quite hides my awful figure.

I had a dream last night (during a nap) that I spotted myself, naked, in the mirror (I admit I've looked at myself that way in real life a few times to see if my stomach was any different--it isn't) and noticed that my stomach seemed slightly smaller. I was surprised by this and started looking myself over. (It's like there was no background behind me--it was kind of dim and everything behind me was dark brown and shapeless.) Yes, I had apparently lost weight. But rather than be happy about it, I could only notice how the skin was sagging--not just sagging, but seeming to melt from my bones. It was lumpy and pasty gray-white, almost cottage cheesy, and just seemed to be melting from my stomach and thighs! I stood facing the mirror for a moment to see how wide my hips were--in real life they are quite wide and would probably be that way even without all the fat. :( In my dream they were considerably thinner, though still not as much as I'd like them to be--but it was a great improvement. But I couldn't even enjoy it. It seemed like my calves and knee areas, in real life slightly flabby but probably the strongest parts of me, were wasting away, all knobby and bony, and all that skin was just dripping loose from my thighs and stomach--it was so ugly and horrid looking. I even tried pushing/holding it up with my hands, fidgeting around in dismay. I exclaimed out loud how I must have lost weight so fast that my skin hadn't had a chance to fit to my body properly. (It didn't look like normal stretched skin; it really did look like melting wax.)

I tried to comfort myself with the thought that in time the skin would adjust itself to my slimmer body, but I wasn't sure if it would. I felt as if the weight were burning off of me even as I watched; what if I lost TOO much? My lower legs were already scrawny as anything; I almost resembled one of those starving African children with the little pot bellies. Add to that my unnatural pasty white color, and of course I looked even worse than I had looked when I was fat.

Rather than enjoying my instant weight loss, in the dream it turned out to be dreadful.



2003 Dreams
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