12/22/02
The Amazing Shrinking Rat


At about a quarter after one I lay down to take a little nap; I awoke at about a quarter after two, about ready to cry. I had had no fewer than THREE nightmares all in a row. It was so awful! I've NEVER had that many in a row like that, much less in one NIGHT. Also, my dream memory hasn't been very vivid lately, but these were clear--at least, right after I had them. I'll try to put them down in writing here before they're gone.

Keep in mind that all of this took place in about the space of one hour.

In the first one, I was seated at the computer doing something when I heard teeny squeaking noises coming from beside me, under the table. They were more murmurs than squeaks, but very tiny. I paused to listen to them and eventually thought, "Whatever that is, it sounds very cute. Maybe if I try to flush it out I can catch it." So I poked around under the table until I flushed out the source--a RAT! It was a full-size, yet young, brown and white rat--mostly brown with a patch or two of white, one large patch on its butt. How great! A tame rat! Suddenly wishing for a pet such as this--I missed Katchoo, my old rat--I snatched it up and tried to hold on to it. It had been feral for a while, running about loose, so it squirmed a lot. It wasn't vicious, though, just VERY squirmy. I went into the living room with my new rat and had to find a place to house it. It bit me all of once or twice during the whole dream, but it felt like just a pinch. Didn't hurt at all.

By the time I got into the living room and started looking around--Dad was seated on the couch watching TV--the rat I held was somewhat smaller, about mouse sized. I kept picking up different strange containers and trying to put the rat in them, but it would never fit. I got a shoebox of Ma's from the kitchen and it was SO teeny! "Go figure that the ONE time I need a shoebox, this is the only size there is!" I snapped, and tossed it away. A bigger shoebox was no go, as it had no lid or some such. I tried some kind of plastic container, but nope, the rat kept squirming its way out of things. Finally I spotted Katchoo's old carrier. It had been too small for her to LIVE in (I used it to transport her), but it would be just right for the new rat, which was the size of a small mouse. But it still had some old stuff of Katchoo's in it--shavings and cardboard bits and such--and I had to clean it. I put the rat in a little container and set it on the end table next to Dad, telling him to keep an eye on it. I think I tried to balance something atop the container to hold it down, like a stick/rod or something, but the rat kept moving and it wasn't working. I told Dad I'd be back as soon as possible.

(At some point in this dream my cat, Cosmas, was tagging after me and I had to lock him away somewhere for a moment so he wouldn't get my rat. Dad started to threaten him with bodily harm but I told him not to.)

I ran into the bathroom with the carrier and went to the tub to wash it out. But MA had been in here already, and was using the tub to soak some dirty drapes! They were lying beneath the tap, all wet and soapy. Well, I was sorry, but I couldn't wait. I started the water and stuck the carrier under it, letting the water gush into it, sweeping out the shavings and cardboard; I'd considered throwing them away, I think, but I either washed them down the drain or tossed them out on the porch--both bad moves in real life. I didn't care much here as I was in a hurry. The first batch of water that gushed out of the container was opaque yellow and it splashed the drapes; I knew this was because of the urine Katchoo had left in the container long ago. I rinsed this out just as Ma came in, and I hastily told her I was sorry, but I needed to get it clean. I grabbed the container and the lid, both dripping wet, and I can't remember exactly what happened now, but I did end up going to go get the rat.

Dad still sat beside it, but it had escaped! Luckily it was still in the immediate vicinity of the container, and hadn't gone very far; I scooped it up and went with it to the bathroom so I could keep an eye on it there. By now, it was VERY tiny indeed, maybe the size of a large beetle. When I went into the bathroom it was so small that I could place it under a little plastic cap, and that I did (a smoky clear cap), on the edge of the sink. Then I left for just a minute, I think maybe to get paper towels to dry out the carrier.

I returned a moment later, to find Cosmas sitting in the doorway staring down the hall. Immediately anxiety arose inside me. I went into the bathroom and saw the little cap upended, and the tiniest, tiniest corpse lying next to it...it was my rat...it was no longer than a raisin now...and it was dead. Cosmas had killed it. I very carefully picked it up...and though I felt silly, as I had had it for only a very short while, I began to sob so very loudly. I had wanted it as a pet, so badly, and because of my negligence, it was now dead.

Dad again threatened Cosmas, saying he'd kill him. (He sounded very neutral and unconcerned, but I believed him.) I sat in the hallway and told him that wasn't necessary. I wasn't mad at Cosmas; he'd just acted as cats do. I was mad at myself for leaving the rat unattended when I KNEW there was danger. I just sat with this teeny-tiny corpse and bawled my eyes out. I wished I could have had it as a pet, but I couldn't even care for it properly.

(I find it very weird how the rat SHRANK throughout the course of the dream, until it was almost gone.)

If they were not the same dream, this then shifted into "Missing Sun Dogs."




Missed Sun Dogs


If they were not the same dream, this then shifted out of "The Amazing Shrinking Rat."

Ma and I seemed to be with a group of students and their teacher--probably young teens. We were on a grassy slope overlooking a beach. I knew we had come here on some sort of trip and it was similar to the city beach. Ma stayed behind, but I went walking down toward the water to get a better look. It was cold out, and cloudy.

Directly on the sand stood a woman and her child, possibly her daughter, the woman with her arm over her child's shoulders. They were staring back at the group and possibly getting their picture taken. I discovered that someone, a member of their family (the woman's husband?) had drowned nearby, so that was why they were here and so somber looking. All through this the teacher kept talking, but I mostly ignored her. Everybody turned somewhat to the right, and now I saw a SPECTACULAR sight in the sky!

It was a sun dog!

A "sun dog" is a kind of optical illusion that makes it look like there are two or more suns in the sky; basically, it's a ball of light reflecting on the clouds or some such. The sky was full of dark gray stormy-looking clouds, but at the horizon where the sky met the water (it looked like Lake Huron), there was first a huge sun pillar/column, then, to the right of that, a sun dog, in brilliant silver lit with gold. They were so incredibly BEAUTIFUL!

I didn't have the camera on me--Ma had that--so I turned toward her and motioned her to come and give it to me. She nodded--but stayed where she was, and lifted it to her own face. She had misunderstood me, and thought I wanted HER to take the pictures. She's not always the best at doing so, so I shook my head wildly and motioned as strongly as I could. But it still seemed to take her a moment to get it, and she took her time coming over to me.

I hurriedly turned around to snap my picture, and...the sky was all just medium gray, dull medium gray. Not a sparkle of sun to be seen. I felt so awful for having missed my chance. I kind of wandered around disconsolately for a bit, but suddenly the sun pillar and the sun dog were back, just changed a bit. Great! Another chance! I held up the camera to take a shot, but every time I tried, the students got in my way, jostling around to take pictures for themselves. I even went so far as to go down to the water itself--the teacher had said to keep out as it was cold, nearing winter--and stepped in up to my ankles, but for some reason the view wasn't good. I got back out and walked further along the bank/shore, trying to get around students and get just one good shot, but I could not, no matter how hard I tried. And by the time the stupid students finally thinned a bit, AGAIN the sunset was gone. TWICE I had missed it! Now everything was dull gray once more.

I think that was when I started to cry. It had been the most beautiful sunset I'd ever seen, but I didn't even have any reminder of it.

If they were not the same dream, this then shifted into "You Really Don't Want To Do That."




You Really Don't Want To Do That


If they were not the same dream, this then shifted out of "Missed Sun Dogs."

I again sat at my computer, this time surfing online. It was black outside, but I felt it may have been morning or early afternoon; very strange discrepancy. I decided to log off and work on a story of mine, so I left one window open, but then went into my writing program and began to type. I typed a few paragraphs and felt I was on a roll.

Then the screen juddered. Let me try to explain. In real life yesterday, I noticed the bottom edge of the display JIGGLE, then return to normal. I didn't notice a power fluctuation, and this made me nervous. Our old computer's monitor died, and before it did, the right-hand side of the display would kind of squeeze in on itself, squeeze in some more, squeeeeeeeze in, then, POP!--pop back out into place. It was really weird; you'd have to see it. Finally, one day, the monitor didn't come on at all; it was dead. Dad brought home a used one from work, but that really distressed me, as it happened right when I was in the middle of researching my novel, Horus.

Well, in the dream, this made me think of that, so I got nervous. It kept doing this, then a big weird yellow squarish shape with perhaps a vague circular pattern in it appeared on the screen! It just kind of floated around as it saw fit! That made me VERY nervous; deciding that the monitor could die any moment, I figured I should save my story. I appeared to be in a DOS-based program, as the screen was black with a Courier-type font in a dashed box, and I clicked on something to save my file. And got a message asking me if I wanted to save "(Something) Exploit (something)" (I can't remember any of the name but the "Exploit" in the middle.)

I froze. Exploit? That was a VIRUS name! Immediately I freaked out. I wanted to save my file--but would saving it mean I had saved a virus? What would it do? I didn't even know what kind of virus it was!

I still had a browser window open, so I decided to go back online and try to find info on this thing. I dialed in, then clicked on my favorites to take me to an antivirus scanning site. And...

The folders I had marked as "important" in my favorites (no such organization in real life) all had little red x's next to them along with a comment similar to, "You really don't want to do that."

!!! Whatever this virus was, it had taken over any useful favorites folders that contained links to info and help on such viruses, and if I were to click on them, I'd most likely unleash the virus!

I became desperate now. I managed to get to Google--that big ugly yellow thing kept appearing on the screen--and from Google I typed in the URL of the antivirus site. I again checked out my screen where I had been typing my story, but it seemed to have been replaced by a white screen with a cartoon boy on it, maybe in a baseball cap, overlooking a large box full of smaller boxes, each one an image of a different videogame or comic book (probably the former). It had places to check for which ones you wanted to download before proceeding elsewhere. Screw that!, I told myself; downloading THESE things was most likely a virus trick, too. I got the feeling this boy, and this virus, were almost a living thing, growing displeased with me because I refused to allow it control over my computer. I believe I started crying, because maybe I couldn't get the antivirus site to work, or maybe I was afraid to use it lest it unleash a virus too, so I had no idea what to do. And...

That was when I woke up.

:***( What an AWFUL set of dreams to have, all at once! I felt like crying even on waking up, when I already knew it wasn't real. What I notice is that all three dreams--"The Amazing Shrinking Rat," "Missed Sun Dogs," and this--seem to deal with the theme of missed opportunity. I missed the opportunity to have the rat as a pet, because of my negligence. I missed the opportunity to take pictures of the sunset because I wasn't prepared, and because of outside influences. And I missed the opportunity to save my story and to fix the computer because of my own anxiety and hesitation. But what does it all mean, coming all at once like this?



2002 Dreams
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