09/14/02
Animal Magnetism
Well, maybe not x-rated, but definitely a strong TV-14 at the least.
I haven't mentioned my last dream because this is a PG-13 journal and they are highly embarrassing for me to relate. Truthfully, none--except one I mentioned in here before, regarding Tal Natha (see "An X-Rated Dream")--go very far. I'm still a dream virgin, ha! :P The Tal Natha one was by far the FURTHEST I have ever gone in a dream, but that doesn't rule out all the other uncomfortable angles, and it doesn't rule out what OTHER people are doing. Other people in my dreams, they are not so innocent, if you get my picture. Remember my dream account of the X-rated commercials airing--on CARTOON NETWORK?? (See "They Show Porn On Cartoon Network, Now?")
Man, this entry is hard for me to type, not only because I just woke up from my nap and my fingers are numb, but because of the subject matter...but I've posted some writing online I swore I would never post under my name...why should this bother me so badly? We don't control our dreams. Unless we're lucid dreamers, and I'm not. No matter how badly I may want to be! So I guess I'll just say that once again, if you don't want to read WAY too much, maybe you'd better back out of this entry now!
Okay. Now that I guess I gave fair warning...
The uncomfortable angle I want to mention is that almost all my own experiences in dreams, along these themes, involve...hm...nonhumans. I don't think I've ever been approached by a human in a dream. Except for the one with Chakenapok (see "The Wannabe Witch King"), and even him, he's half-spirit, I don't think you could count him as human. Plus remember he had those fangs, and was something like a lycanthrope--which is also part animal! Man, this is making me ashamed. I want to tell you firmly, I do NOT condone anything like this. But it keeps popping up in my dreams and I don't know why.
In older dreams, it was always something like a large dog--a black Lab or an Irish wolfhound, maybe--or a goat, or a large horse. It would be ATTRACTED to me and I would be attracted to it!! :( Ugh, right? For the record this is NOT a frequent thing I dream about, just now and then. But still disturbing to relate, no matter how far I didn't go in the dreams. The early ones, it was merely a matter of the animal being near me in an uncomfortable/suggestive way. In real life, I would DEFINITELY fight these things off. In the dreams though, I never did.
Then came the one with Tal Natha. That was the most graphic one, and in a PG-13 journal, I'm afraid I still can't say exactly what I did to him. But rest assured that it was *I* who did it to HIM, and not the other way around. That one actually freaked me out a bit, because in my fiction, Tal Natha is the "Dreamspinner" and can control others' dreams. What, I supposed, would it be like if that had NOT really been just a dream? Well, Red Bird (Tal Natha's wife/mate) would probably be beyond pissed off, for one thing. And I probably wouldn't ever be able to write about Tal Natha without turning bright red, for another.
I did start to write a scene that adapted that dream, albeit in a distorted manner...it's unfinished, and I don't know if I'll ever show it.
A few nights ago, the creature that came to me was a little lizard/dragon thing. The first time it was something SMALL. This really changes the theme, and so it confuses me even more. It's usually a large, overpowering animal. That, in fact, was given as one interpretation for the dreams. A large animal can represent power--natural, untamed, etc. In a woman's dreams, for example, a horse is supposed to represent all her untamed energy, and often has a sexual side to it. *cringe* I didn't want to say that word in this entry but I guess I have to...anyway, in a dream, letting a large animal overpower you in an inappropriate manner is not really seen as meaning you condone this behavior in the real world. Interpreters seem to agree it has to do with giving up your sense of power to another. WHO that other is remains unknown. Maybe it isn't even a who; maybe it's giving up your power in an attempt to tame yourself. Who knows. Just to say that again, this is not a behavior I would ever seek out or enjoy. UGH!
But that idea only seems to work so long as the creatures are large and potentially threatening. A big dog, a big goat, a horse, Tal Natha, these are potentially threatening creatures. A little lizard/dragon thing, not very threatening...so where did this new angle come from? And does it follow the same theme, or am I just spinning my wheels or whatever?
Ugh, so confused. o_o
Anyway, I can't remember this dream very well by now, but this little greenish-gray lizard-dragon-thing came to me in my b...crap. I didn't even realize it until now, but I was in my bedroom in this dream. Fitting, I guess. At first it was very small, just a small lizard with wings. The color of lichen. I was surprised to see it, because it was a magical creature, and they weren't supposed to exist. But I liked to see it. Then I think it grew in size, maybe two or three feet long counting the tail and neck, because...well, what it did to me next, it had to be closer to my size, that's all. Again, nothing truly graphic happened, but again, it's not like I resisted it; and also again I think that bed was there for a reason based on what I myself did...
And now there's the one I just had during my nap. In this dream, there was another sexual angle involving a rape victim...I was watching something on TV in the dream (Monk?) and there was a little blond boy with a group of other kids in the park or at the zoo along with their teacher. He turned and yelled something like, "That guy is beating Mrs. ___ (the teacher)! He's pulling her pants down!" I get the feeling the response to the boy's cry was slow, but the teacher was saved. Not until after she had been attacked though. The boy was mentally damaged by this afterwards; he'd seen the whole thing and couldn't do a thing about it. There was a later scene where the woman was sitting in a hospital bed...hm. The first view I had in the hospital room was of someone's backside, and I was thinking, why are they making her sit there half naked after that? Then I noticed that belonged, in fact, to a man. He was seated on a bed or something beside the woman in the hospital bed, and I got the feeling he was the ATTACKER! They were being treated in the same hospital room, inches from each other! Not only that, but he was only half clothed! How horrible! I felt angry with the hospital and law enforcement agents for doing this to her. Then I'm not so sure he was the attacker, as she looked at him a few times and seemed to confide in him, albeit not with many words. She asked for a cigarette. Then she quickly pressed the burning tip to her skin. She showed off a series of small burn scars she'd put there across her chest herself. I knew she did this when upset or stressed, to relieve the tension. Well, of COURSE after what had just happened, she was seeking to hurt herself again.
There may have been a few more details but I don't feel like blathering on that anymore, just pointing it out. Very weird angle. Then I think I was getting ready to go somewhere because I had to change or get dressed or something. I went into a room that was supposed to be my own, only it was much bigger. I stood before a full-length mirror like the one from Dad's room--it's in a photo of mine called "Self-Portrait With Idiot" or some such. I was far enough away to see my whole body and I wasn't wearing anything below, though I had a top on. I was in the process of getting dressed and I wanted to see how fat I was, so I bared myself. My hips were still huge...*sigh*...even in my dream. But their relation in size to my upper body, and my upper body itself, weren't as bad as they are in real life. Maybe I don't look TOO bad, I thought.
Then I think I took off my shirt completely so I stood there naked and saw that, even though I could FEEL the insides of my feet pressing against each other, in the reflection, my legs stopped meeting below the knees. The thighs were so fat that my feet couldn't be placed together! I was bowlegged! I tried and tried, and like I said I could FEEL them touching (this may have been carryover from real life, as I sleep on my side with my ankles touching), but I could not get them to meet in the dream. I felt awful about myself now, so fat and ugly. I decided to try to brush it off and continued getting dressed.
I can't recall it but it's almost as if I willed the next part of my dream to happen. For suddenly, a huge black praying mantis with red markings on its head appeared near the ceiling, and fluttered over to the door. I gaped up at it in surprise. "A praying mantis!" I said to myself; "I LOVE praying mantises!" I used to keep them as pets as a child. Cool creatures. This one was like none I'd ever seen before. It was so big, and BLACK! The red markings on its face made it look evil, and when it landed on my door, looking down at me, I had the impression I should not look it directly in the eyes else it would take that as a challenge. Then I thought, "No, it's intelligent; it will know I'm not challenging it." I don't know how I knew it was intelligent; I just did.
The mantis proceeded to fly about, landing in random locations; my room seemed more cluttered now, when before it had been practically bare and open, a vast expanse of carpeting across which I saw my reflection. (During that part of the dream, might I add, while I was exposing myself I knew there was a window to the side of the mirror and it was night, so people could see me if they walked/drove by. I was a bit warier after that, but not nearly enough.) I gasped with fright whenever it landed, especially when it landed on me, because its pincers were so long and SHARP! Like prongs or hooks. I felt this creature, although intelligent, didn't know the extent of its own strength and could hurt me. So every time it landed on me, even though I welcomed it, I still cringed and sometimes even yelped because I didn't want it pinching me!
Once it landed on my hair and that REALLY got me upset as I was afraid it would pull out my ponytail or whatever. Then it landed on the back of my neck, at my nape, and...I really don't know how, but it was like it massaged me there. And I REALLY liked it! o_O In the dream, I guess that was my...uh...erogenous zone. *CRINGE* I even said as much to myself, or to the mantis, who knows. It would massage me for a while, and it would sort of tickle, but at the same time it tingled and everything and I couldn't seem to get enough of it. Then it would stop, and then do it again. I just kind of stood there and let it do it...God knows why. I think eventually it stopped and flew off of me--and I was hoping it would land somewhere ELSE and do something ELSE I can't mention in this journal!! Maybe I should be grateful I woke up when I did...
But anyway...you'll notice that maybe the same theme still holds, one of power. Though smaller, I was awed by the little dragon, because I knew it was magical--magic can be used as power, to control people, etc. And the mantis? Those claws of its...frankly, they scared me. Even though I liked having this insect around. But these are the first times the creatures have been any smaller than a large dog. And I can't get over how weird that mantis looked. Coal black, with little red markings, just like some evil thing...but not evil. With glassy black eyes. I don't know. Very weird.
I have to end this entry now. I'm afraid I said way too much more about myself than I should have. I just wish I understood several things--like why it's always ANIMALS that come to me, and, as awful as this sounds, why the dreams always end when they do!
Unlawful Entry
I just remembered another dream I wanted to point out while I'm in here! There was one I mentioned a while back where the kid in the army fatigues came into the house brandishing a knife...please see "Tehuti Vs. The Creepy Knife Guy!"
Anyway, that dream with the knife guy, it REALLY freaked me out when I had it because it was so unexpected. Everything is normal--I hear the door opening--delayed reaction--and then this FREAKINESS ensues. *shudder* Well, the other day in a half-asleep, half-awake state, in bed, I had a similar dream. Very much along the same lines, except it didn't go as far. In it I seemed to be in the living room and I heard the door either rattling or opening--at first I didn't react, then I thought, nobody is supposed to be here! Then I began to panic. Then the dream ended.
Really strange for such an innocuous little thing to recur twice like that. So specific, too. Why the front door, for example? Most people use our back door. I don't know, maybe I'm making something out of nothing, but both times those dreams really shook me.
2002 Dreams
HOME