08/25/02
Pupa Plastic
I remember Dad pouring gunpowder of some sort into a little plastic tube hanging from my ceiling, and I covered my ears even though he couldn't pour in as much as he wanted to, and it melted the plastic and started smoking after it exploded, so some girl and myself started to put it out--me with a squirt bottle (which I had to run to the bathroom to get), she with a fan. We sprayed/blew on the melting mass of plastic as it sank closer and closer to the floor until it stopped in place, and by then it had grown in size and looked just like a pupa. I even told the girl with me this and she agreed. She had dark hair, pretty and kind of Latina looking, and was friendly...but I have no idea who she was.
Gotta Love A Cozy Bathroom
I remember Ma buying lots of stuff so I had to wonder, where were we getting all this money? She came into the living room with some kind of mechanical device in a box--a toaster oven?--DVD player?--something. I went into the bathroom and she had completely refurbished it so it was beautiful--and bigger. There was a new bath rug and a series of other things to match the new color scheme, pastel blues and violets and whites like the ocean. There seemed to be natural lighting now. Yet it was darker and shadier also, as I like. Then there was a series of rugs lined up to accentuate a large potted plant where the toilet usually is--it looked like a tree. I smooshed my feet against the rugs and told Ma when she came in, "It's so comfortable! Like a big carpeted PATHWAY!" She liked that I liked it. And I noticed there were also tiny American flags hanging above me, along with all the other pastel things. They must be for September, I reasoned. I could have stayed in that bathroom forever, it felt so cozy and natural.
Gotta Hate A Cold Grilled Cheese
I remember eating a grilled cheese, and some other kind of sandwich, and more, right before I woke up; but I didn't have the chance to eat them all; they had been sitting out a bit before Dad went to bed and I was miffed that he hadn't told me, as they were getting cold, so I decided to put one in the microwave...never got to eat it...*sigh*
Cosmas, Don't Die!
I remember angrily shooing Cosmas from my room, only to spot patches of blood upon the floor. I screamed and ran to find him; he was eating, casually, but his leg was bloody. I screamed for Ma to come. I picked him up and couldn't tell if he had a wound or if it was internal. Somehow we consulted a vet, and I remember him saying something about a liver problem; I started to shriek and sob. Cosmas was too YOUNG to die. The vet mentioned antibiotics, so I thought perhaps it could be remedied. Then my mind "fixed" the dream so it wasn't so very bad, and Cosmas was all right.
Death Of The Doll-Man
I had a whole weird slew of dreams when I napped this evening. I couldn't remember the primary ones immediately after awakening, and now that I do, they're so fragmented as to be almost useless. :( And what's more, I really want to remember them.
I remember running through this gate repeatedly, and every time I did, there was somebody else doing the same; usually a samurai...he was like comedic fodder, and I think he worked at a Pizza Hut with a pagoda theme. He tried to attack me once but it was jokey, and I easily dodged him. I seemed to be running through a movie lot.
There were some other lesser dreams from this night, but this one then seemed to shift into the one that I want to remember but can't, not all of it. All I can recall is some strange little doll-man. He was short and perhaps white or pale in color, very toyish and childlike, like a marionette. His head was large and round/oval in proportion to his thin little body. I specifically remember his hat. It had two points on it, similar to a jester's cap, only it couldn't adequately be described, even when I described him in the dream to someone else. I seem to remember that the first time I saw him coming toward me, in a large warehouse, I was frightened nearly to death and screamed and ran to get away from him. And then I kept going through successive scenes with the doll-man. Each time I started out in this warehouse (it was on the movie lot from near where the samurai worked), and the little doll-man would come walking toward me. And each time, as if it was the first time yet I still retained some knowledge of our past encounters, I reacted to him differently. First with fear; then with anxiety; then with wonder; then with curiosity; etc. Each time I was less afraid as I realized he wouldn't hurt me. He was just...strange. I think I may have had a dog with me. The dog reacted the same way I did. Eventually I grew to love this little doll-man; he was so sweet. Why had I ever been afraid of him?
But then something happened. While I was sitting talking with the doll-man (he couldn't talk, could only listen), somebody came in and...shot him...or something. Perhaps with a dart. I remember something hit him in the chest with a tiny blossom of blood and he fell. I screamed and sobbed with grief and tried to pick him up and revive him. He wasn't dead yet, but I knew he would die. He was confused. I knew who had killed him had done so most likely because, like me, they had thought he was dangerous; but he wasn't! He was my friend, and they'd killed him. Worse than me not knowing why he had to die, was HIM not knowing why he had to die.
I remember something vague in here--some wise older voice telling me to remember the story that had been told about the doll-man. "Do you remember that story I told you earlier? About him?" it asked; and I wracked my brain. Yes, someone had told me a story about the doll-man, but I hadn't been listening! Only now did I realize how important it was. And so I couldn't recall all the details. It had something to do with the doll-man, in an earlier life, chasing some chickens around--and either they turned on him (silly, I know), or somebody else killed/attacked him. This had some bearing on what was happening now; if it could not help me save him, it would at least explain why this had to happen. But I couldn't remember the story fully, and neither can I now.
Of course, with the impending death of the doll-man, the cycle of meeting him in the warehouse ended. Somewhere this segued into one of the other dreams to end with me microwaving the grilled cheese sandwich (see "Gotta Hate A Cold Grilled Cheese"), then I woke up hungry.
I didn't remember the Cosmas (see "Cosmas, Don't Die!") and doll-man parts, the bad parts of the dream, until later, and they brought tears to my eyes. I went to pet Coz to settle that anxiety, but I can't do a thing about the little doll-man because he's not real.
Who in the world was he and what did he represent? And why did his death make me feel so awful? I wish I knew these things.
Self-Abuse
Had a nasty dream today...I remember in it I called Ma on the phone at Dad's request because there were "like three messages" left from bill collectors and Ma was going to bingo; Dad and I didn't want her to. She was snotty toward me and I swore at her and slammed the phone down while Dad watched. Then I went into the bathroom and proceeded to slam my arms against the shelf above the mirror, breaking everything I could. Ugh. I wonder where the hell these dreams are coming from anyway.
Weird though that in that dream, Ma was the "aggressor," and Dad was the neutral party. It's usually the other way around.
2002 Dreams
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