06/06/02
Rain Beneath My Feet


Yes, I have been having dreams still, yet have not been keeping track of them as I should. The dreams of this day are in fact from a few days ago.

Firstly let me offer some fragments that left an impression on me from a while back. All I can remember of this one now was that I was leaving the house to go outside. I stepped out onto the pavement and it was overcast; there may have been a platinum sky. (Signaling a storm coming.) I looked down at the pavement by the long driveway and it was slick and shiny with rain--also smoother than it should have been, no pits or cracks, and a different color, almost khaki--but it was warm. A warm rain, comforting, soothing. There was a vehicle waiting here, an SUV similar to my dad's vehicle, I think, only I get the impression Ma was nearby. I saw a cat walking across the pavement toward the underside of the vehicle and I think it was Cosmas. He had escaped the house after I went out. (It was warm, so I was wearing my houseclothes, a blouse and shorts, bare feet.) I stooped to get him, and all I can remember the most is how warm and soothing the wet pavement was beneath my feet.

If they were not the same dream, this then shifted into "The Bad Room."



The Bad Room


If they were not the same dream, this then shifted out of "Rain Beneath My Feet."

Now I worked my way into a small, dingy, squalid room. All I can remember is the walls and floor, all smattered and speckled with dirt and who knows what else--just beyond description. COMPLETELY soiled. I don't remember any solid objects in there, or anything of substance. It made me think of a bathroom, even though I saw no sink or toilet. But this REEK filled my nostrils. A sick sweet smell. It was not the same sickly sweet smell of earlier dreams of mine, the smell that makes me think of death; rather this one had a more chemical scent to it. I knew it was a manufactured scent, and as the room was so filthy, I remember saying aloud, "Antiseptic." I awoke then with the scent still in my nose, and went to go to the bathroom. I felt I would never forget it, it was so disgusting, and once more left me feeling anxious. Why would I smell antiseptic, and why would I even be in that horrid little room? (All I had seen of it, really, was part of the floor where it met the wall. I never looked up or around me.) I could understand why someone would want to clean it--but I don't know, in hindsight I get the feeling somebody was going to clean up that mess, and cover something up. Something bad. Using that awful antiseptic to supposedly hide something just as bad as the smell itself, like sweeping dust under a rug. I had felt rather dispassionate on looking at the filth--in real life I would have run out cringing--but the smell got to me. Yet several hours later, I could barely remember it anymore. I can only remember the mental description I had made of it.



Close The Door, It's Coming!


This dream fragment is from last night, I believe. I can't remember it well. I was in the house and it seemed to be nighttime, as Ma and Dad and I were all awake and it was dark out. I rather wish I had taken note of this earlier...it's so hazy now. But something at the door (front door?) drew my attention and I went to see to it. I think it was a thumping noise, like someone or something was out there...or maybe I just decided I wanted to go out. It had suddenly grown lighter, like morning, and I could see the yard outside the window. I think it was raining and blue out. I wanted to step outside, just for a minute, to feel how warm it was. Lately, in real life, I've been longing for it to grow warm, to prove it's really June.

I had to keep my eye open for the cat, to make sure he didn't slip out. He's very sneaky.

I opened the door a bit and prepared to step outside. Now it was like a cross between the front door, the back door, and the basement door, all in one. There was a step or a porch outside it, as there should have been. I opened the door and saw something partially blocking it--a big rectangular piece of wood--a couple of pieces--like the corners of two big doors, tilted at an angle from the left. They were painted brown, like our old back door. I remember sticking my head out and saying something loudly, almost yelling it. I was acting a bit silly, but then this fear began to get to me. I knew there was something out there, something outside, and I shouldn't have opened the door and exposed myself to it. What was I yelling?? I can't even remember it now! :( I think I may have been drawing attention to the fact that something was out there--"It's out there, it's coming, it's nearby!" But that's only a guess.

In any case, I tried to get back inside and shut the door as fast as I could. And--those big wooden things were somehow preventing me from doing it! I tugged and tugged on the door--I can't even see how it was physically possible that they were blocking it, as it had opened outward thus they would have blocked my OPENING it, yet blocking it from closing, they were. I tugged and tugged, my anxiety growing into panic. I was yelling this dumb thing the whole time, as if to stave off whatever was outside. (You know how on TV shows somebody who thinks there's a burglar in the house will yell something like, "I'm walking to the closet, I'm pulling out a baseball bat, it sure is huge, I'm coming down the stairs with it right now...!") I never did see what was out there, I just knew I didn't want to be caught! I finally yanked the door shut and got safely back inside.

(This reminds me vaguely of my "darkness falling" dream, yet it seemed to be in reverse. Rather than me already being outside and wanting to go in, here I was already in and wanted to go OUT. Very strange.)

There was more to the dream after that. I think I was trying to tell Ma and Dad what had happened, and maybe to warn them? I can't exactly remember their reactions...I believe Dad kind of ignored me. Which is strange, because he's not the type to ignore, he's the type to get mad. (In my dreams, my dad often gets angry, and Ma is usually this almost lifeless figure in the background, always oblivious to me and to what's going on. It's often similar in real life--Dad responds to things by getting mad, and Ma tunes them out.) I think Dad was also getting ready to go to work--meaning it would have been MORNING by now, and I couldn't hold his attention.



Can't I Get Some Privacy?


I'm not sure if this dream came after "Close The Door, It's Coming!" or before, but it bugged me; I was at the computer typing up something I wouldn't want my parents to read, and Ma came along and started hovering over me, asking what I was typing and if she could read it, in a teasing manner. She was being friendly--VERY odd, since she doesn't care a bit what I write in real life, even when I try to show it to her!--and this bothered me VERY badly! I didn't want her to read that stuff of mine, it was embarrassing! I felt invaded.

So while she was hovering over me I tried to sound joking while covering up the screen with my hands. I didn't want her to grow too suspicious, yet I was too panicked to do a very good job! "I'll be done in a minute!" I said. "I don't want you to see it--it's personal stuff." (Which wasn't entirely true, but still it was private.) She wouldn't go away or take the hint, though! Frustrated, I tried nearly unsuccessfully to keep the screen covered and started closing what programs and windows I had open. I now realized I was online, and had some strange browser program going, like a Java display window (a virtual museum/tour?), and some other things. I had thought I just had that one program going, the one I was typing in; I had to close one thing after another after another, like those popup windows that leap out at you at some porn sites! (Um, I don't visit porn sites, but I did get misdirected to one once--it was listed in a well-known directory as a Jungian dream site--and that was my first and only experience with those horrible neverending popups.) There must have been like five or six things to close, plus I had to save my own writing; I felt I would never get it done with Ma waiting there! I finally did so, and I think she lost interest, though we did joke a bit more. This dream and "Close The Door, It's Coming!" were very strange, as both parents were acting entirely out of character.



Kitty Friends


In this dream fragment, all I remember is I opened my bedroom door to find two cats standing in the hallway just outside--Cosmas AND Pepper! My present cat, and my dead cat. Together! I was surprised to see them, but not shocked; I stooped down to pet one, then made sure to pet the other. I wanted to treat them equally. I think they may have been playing together and if I was going to play with them, I had to devote the same amount of time to each. I wasn't upset. Just happy to see them there. (And no, it was not as if Pepper had even been dead or gone! It was perfectly normal.)



Experiments In Lucidity


In real life I was lying on the couch napping, and in my dream I was as well. In my dream, I realized that to lucid dream, all I had to do was say, "I want to dream about ___ (fill in the blank)," and then close my eyes and go to sleep. (I think I may have had to say something else after that, but it was very simple, along the same lines.) If I did that, not only would I dream about that subject, but I would be able to control it as well!

Anyway, in the dream, I was sort of lying on my left side, sort of on my stomach, balled up. First I think I said, "I want to dream about darkness falling" (or some other subject that causes me anxiety), and then closed my eyes. Sure enough, I don't recall seeing any images, but this feeling of absolute FEAR just swept over me, and I had to struggle to awaken--yet I counted this as a success. Next I said, "I want to dream about Damien," and again, no mental images, I don't even recall any emotions involved, yet I counted it as a success also. It's like I was merely sampling my abilities, then waking myself up after each one. I was so thrilled by now.

Lastly I said, rather embarrassed and meekly, "I want to dream about ___" (I will omit the subject as it's VERY touchy, yet it's popped up in my dreams before). And sure enough, that came about too--I could physically feel it for a moment, then shrugged the dream off as I felt too embarrassed about it, and felt I shouldn't be dreaming about it. I think that was all the experimenting I did.



Out Of Line


This dream is very vague by now, but it had an emotional impact while I was having it. I can't recall the specifics, but I was at school--elementary school. Black River, it was. In real life we would line up inside or outside, depending on the time of year or the weather, and wait for the buses to come in a line, and we'd get on our specific buses. A recurring dream theme of mine is hurrying to get on the bus, only I can't find the right one, and by the time I do find it, it's departed without me. Very distressing.

This dream started out similar. I was outside the school (I think it was overcast, but warm out) and there was a line of buses waiting, but the students were standing waiting, too. Not nearly as many as there should be, and I don't remember directly seeing my own age group, just younger people. We were all lined up in rows according to age/grade, so of course I was in the higher grades. And I knew we all had to get on just the right bus. Yet I suddenly for some reason wanted to go back inside to go to my locker, and to do something else. I was curious about something--what? I remember wandering down the lines toward the younger classes, until I was among children. I knew I wasn't supposed to be here, and kept my eyes open for teachers. I didn't want to get in trouble.

I remember peering in a window and seeing one of the "grandmas" (elderly women who assisted with some of the student programs and special students), or else I saw a couple of teachers discussing one of the grandmas. That piqued my interest--why?? I wanted to go to my locker possibly to get something, yet I also wanted to go wandering in to take a look at...whatever had caught my interest. I really can't say what it was, I have no idea. I was just drawn to go in the children's entrance. This was off limits to me, yet inside I went anyway.

I do dimly recall being at my locker, retrieving something from the bottom (in my dreams, my locker contents are usually all messed up in a pile on the very bottom), and feeling I should really be out waiting for the bus. But for some reason missing the bus wasn't my main concern. I just didn't want to get caught out of my area. Anyway I ended up wandering down the hall past the kids, looking around for whatever it was that had interested me. Perhaps I was just observing people? I do remember that the situation with the grandma had caught my attention. I really have no clue. I tried to look nonchalant, as if I belonged here, or was merely seeking out a specific room or person. The students didn't mind me. But then I saw a teacher headed my way, and tried even harder to look casual. Unfortunately, she saw me--a taller woman, pretty and slim, in a skirt and matching jacket(?), perhaps with shorter, curly light brown hair. Not in a round cut like a perm, but parted in the middle and slightly wider at the bottom or middle, like something from the Twenties? It looked right on her; she probably had a long neck to accentuate it. On looking at her, the first impression you'd get is that she's a very kindly, warmhearted person. Hence her position working with children.

I stopped in my tracks when she came up to me. She asked me what I was doing there and I had some sort of lame excuse, probably about visiting my locker or trying to find someone. I wasn't very convincing, and my excuse wouldn't have mattered anyway; I'd been caught out of my area. I knew she was a nice teacher and was just doing her job, which was why it hurt all the more when she reprimanded me. It wasn't anything harsh--just a stern warning and firm instructions to return to my own area--yet I felt...I don't know. Crushed, somehow. Rejected. I guess I had wanted her to let me go easy, as I wasn't really causing any trouble, I was just in the wrong area. I thought she was nicer than that, and if I was polite enough, if she liked me, she'd let me go with no troubles. She DID let me go, but made me go back to where I belonged. I felt awful that I had let her down. Sheesh, she must have been a mother figure or something with how bad I felt about the whole situation! I felt hurt that she'd turned me away, and angry with myself for having given her a reason to turn me away. Very unsettling.

In any event, I just barely murmured my apologies--I was very meek and embarrassed--Tehuti, the goody-two-shoes, getting a reprimand!--and turned and went back the way I'd come. I don't know why, but when I try to picture myself physically, I'm carrying a dark bookbag over my shoulder, wearing dark baggy clothes, and have my hair down, looking very plain and unattractive, slouchy. I'm not beautiful in real life, but I don't walk around dressed like that. Nor can I say with certainty that that was how I WAS dressed in the dream--naturally, I couldn't see myself--but it's what I envision. Strange.

I returned back to the waiting area outside, with the buses, my original intents crushed. And even when I woke up I still felt bad for having incurred that teacher's displeasure.

There was definitely more, yet that's all I can remember right now!



2002 Dreams
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