05/08/02
Beyond Darkness Falling

Take a look at the other entries of my dream journal to see what I mean about my "darkness falling" dreams. I had another one tonight. Only this time...I stayed out in the dark. And saw what came next.

Granted, I don't know if it would be the same the next time I have this dream--but I've NEVER been able to make the dream last past the fear that comes up. It was so strange, and yet beautiful. I never even expected this!

I dozed off while Law & Order and then Biography were on, so of course Sam Waterston and Carey Lowell and whoever the current Biography mom is showed up and wandered yapping through my dreams. The first big section concerned a court case about a prostitute and an alleged rape. (That's what the current episode, now airing again, is about. When I dream with the TV on, it often works its way into my dreams and "plays out" in my head. A while back I slept during a different L&O episode about used pacemakers and in my dream I even groused, "This idea has been done before, Law & Order did it first!")

The dream shifted all throughout this though. I can't remember all the details. From what I vaguely remember, my brother was visiting, and Shannon was with him. I think she was still pregnant in my dream--but I wasn't upset. It was evening and we were outside the house. It was summer and very nice out. A very beautiful night.

I can't recall everything that happened but I do know I was wandering around the lawn a lot, by the woods, just exploring and enjoying the evening. I remember going by the highway and seeing a couple of people walking toward me from the north. Right in the middle of the road; and I could see their silhouettes, which isn't possible in real life. I wondered why they were in the road, but I was intrigued to see who they were and why they were coming, also. I just didn't want a car to hit them. I felt I was too close to the road also...I seem to remember pebbles. Did a car spray me with pebbles? I did have a similar dream recently where I was very close to the road, and felt I was in danger of either being hit or falling into the ditch.

It gets hazy, but I wandered around behind the garage. And I looked up now and noticed that the sky was pitch black, with a very hazy brownish disk of sun high above, in the southeast. I was surprised at first--I hadn't even known it was dark! Then the anxiety came on. Even as I watched the clouds rolled over this little hazy brown sun. Then instead of just thinking, "I have to get inside!!" part of me thought, "I just gave Charmian this dream in my story! (Which I did...it's coming up in a later chapter of Manitou Island.) This is a weird coincidence. I have to stay out here and see how it goes!"

I felt myself drawn toward the house--but then forced myself to stay out. I can't remember it ever getting too dark to see...but things did change. Instead of the overwhelming darkness, thick and suffocating as a blanket, I saw a trail of light passing through our yard. People were still outside, and I was surprised again. It was a party of some kind! An outdoors party! Lawn lights had been set up in the form of a trail, looking like a little wooden bridge glowing in our yard. Glowing tiles, posts, everything, little delicate lanterns and such just illuminating the place against the dark. They passed by on the north side of our house. On seeing them I had an overwhelming urge to just go RUNNING up that glowing trail, it was so beautiful and mystical! Like something out of a fairy story. I went jogging toward the trail--

--but then found myself impeded. I stopped abruptly at the far side of the driveway, keeping myself from keeling over. The pathway was partly blocked by a red and black railing or something; it was constructed oddly, and this part was just blocked off from access. At first I felt stupid for having run like an idiot and then having to stop so abruptly, but I glanced around and felt no one had noticed or even cared. I decided to shrug off my embarrassment. Like I could have known it was blocked? I think I may have found another way around, and went into the yard to look about some. Oh. I felt young in this dream, as if I didn't have the worries I do now. I was too young, in mind at least, to care about the little things anymore.

I made my way to the highway end of our long driveway (we have two driveways) and stopped here. There was a puddle at the end from a recent rain. The water in it was SO beautiful! It wasn't pitch black anymore, but the sky may have been deep violet in the sunset; it was late evening, like nine or nine-thirty in summer. I never did look directly at the sky after the first part. I knelt down facing the house and peered into this puddle of water, my back to the highway. I couldn't believe how beautiful this simple thing was. I could see the grains of sand magnified on the bottom--sandy gold--the same color as Damien's eyes. *sigh* (Why couldn't HE have shown up in this dream, to make it perfect?) I wanted to put my hand in and touch them, but at the same time, I didn't want to disturb the grains and muddy it up. What to do?

I decided to take the chance anyway. I gently slid my right hand beneath the water, and...I couldn't see it beneath the surface!! This startled me. I slid my hand out, then slid it in again--same result. How strange! I moved my head around a little to see if this would change, but it was like my hand turned invisible or went behind something when I dipped it into the water--I could still see the bottom clearly, but not my fingers. I finally decided that it was the nature of the light hitting the water--it was bending or refracting the image of my hand or something, and that was why I couldn't see it. Just a rare visual phenomenon, nothing to be afraid of! Relieved and even more intrigued, I brushed the bottom of the puddle with my fingertips, stirring the grains a bit--it never went muddy, it stayed perfectly clear, so gorgeous!--and then got up and left.

I went back to the house now, possibly in a door near where the glowing trail had been. Somehow I ended up inside and here the Biography section of the dream popped back up. I found myself in an old-fashioned room--I can't describe it properly, but I didn't like the looks of it, too old fashioned and tacky--white walls, almost antique furniture and wrought-iron accessories, not the cleanest or prettiest--but I decided to put that out of my mind. I should enjoy myself. It was well lit also, almost glaring, and I passed into a back room and came across tables and trays with hors d'oeuvres on them, crackers and bits of meat and such, etc. I remember seeing Spam and some kind of sausage, and as I looked at these Biography was talking about a TV show this person had starred on; I remember them saying something like, "There were two groups of people mainly who got upset by the show. The Jewish people got upset in an orderly fashion. They didn't like how the show stereotyped their relations with non-Jews." (And here I heard somebody, a woman, squawking something like, "Oh, let me get out the (some kind of kosher meat item), since I know you don't like to eat the other kind!") Then she (the woman narrating this part, the subject of the show) said, "And then there were the Irish-Americans, who got upset in a disorderly fashion." She chuckled then, and I can't remember if she said something about the Irish, but I think I also remember her adding, "Everybody was upset or roused by the show in some way. It was very controversial."

(I'm not sure, but perhaps they were talking about All In The Family, and perhaps the woman was the mother on that (Edith). Only in my dream, the TV mom came out as Meredith Baxter Berney for some reason. Somewhere in the dream I had this woman's whole childhood history, only I saw her as Berney. I kept thinking, "My God, I never knew that about Meredith Baxter Berney!")

I was looking right at these meat hors d'oeuvres as she said this, so it (the kosher part) made sense. I picked up one, then another; I didn't want to be a glutton, but I was hungry, and they looked so good! This party was so much fun! I felt I shouldn't have a reason to feel anxious or guilty around here; though I never directly interacted with anyone (except PERHAPS my brother, at one point), I felt welcome here. Almost as if the party was for me.

And all of this because I had finally stayed out in the dark!

I started eating the cracker. I remember at another point (maybe earlier?) Ma showed up with ice cream, as I had asked her (in real life) to pick me up some, but they didn't have the right kind in my dream so she got me icepops of some kind, similar to the ice cream I wanted only with creamy vanilla and fudge swirls. But they tasted really good too when I got them out of the freezer. So everything worked out in this dream, even when things went wrong.

Several times I woke up and then made myself go back to sleep, just to see what would happen next. I've never been able to do that before! Granted, not much happened after I dozed off again, and by then I was getting hot and uncomfortable and my alarm clock was about to go off...but it was all so new and unexpected.

Is that what waits out there in the dark for me? Happiness and acceptance? If I could just stay out long enough, brave the dark, to face it? I always figured it was something else, decidedly more unpleasant, that waited out there...

Then again, this dream could always have been the fanciful exception. I doubt I'll ever have another one like it.



2002 Dreams
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