01/23/02
Who Needs Heat, Anyway?
A lot of the details of this dream are vague. I know that it was early morning and Dad was getting ready to go to work or to town. I think Ma was home but I'm not sure. The gas had been turned off for nonpayment, I think. In the dream gas was not needed to heat water. I went into the bathroom and started running water in the tub but it wouldn't heat up. I started to get upset and realized that either that had been shut off, or was broken (I lean toward the latter). Dad got miffed and I was afraid he was going to get all cruel about it; he put on his boots and such and went outside in the snow via the front door. It was pale dim blue out but bright enough to see. I get the feeling he was going into the basement to fix something and that made me nervous too! So I was wandering around the house in quite a state.
If they were not the same dream, this then shifted into "Dirty Girl."
Dirty Girl
If they were not the same dream, then this shifted out of "Who Needs Heat, Anyway?"
This dream made me feel REALLY uncomfortable. In it, Ma and Dad and I, I believe, were going somewhere together; town?--to eat? Who knows. We needed to get dressed. It was still winter. I had some kind of weird little shirt or pair of shorts, and then I had this thing like a breast implant. o_O I was holding it right in my hand, this oval-shaped pack of jelly, pale clear blue. Yeesh! Someone (not Ma or Dad--more like someone my age, who then disappeared) commented to me how it looked like a breast implant and I couldn't disagree, but I DID clarify that that WASN'T what it was. It went inside a bra instead. For some reason, I wanted or needed to put this in one of the cups of my bra and wear it. Was I...I don't know...uneven?? Eegh. It seemed more important, like a health reason, to have even-sized breasts!! I wasn't really ashamed of having to wear this thing, but I thought it might be uncomfortable; the bra I had was like a cross between a sports bra and a regular one, and I didn't like the thought of how it would feel. I'm very picky with these things. I went into my room and the light was on so it must have been dim out. I stood by my bed poking and prodding and squeezing this thing in my hand because the texture was so squishy and weird, I found it interesting. I think it may have been leaking but this was no cause for concern.
Ma was out in the hallway and she started yelling something to me. I'm not sure what, but she started telling me about an appointment she'd set up for me with my former psychologist, Ms. R. I was confused at first, so she came to my room and said she'd set up an appointment. I still couldn't get it--what FOR? I got the feeling I'd been through something traumatic or something, and so she'd scheduled the meeting. "But just ONE," she said when I nodded, meaning, "I've scheduled only ONE appointment for you, because that's all we can afford."
Well, that was rather pointless, I thought, since one appointment can't fix anyone's problems. Still, I felt maybe it would be a "Go to the appointment, then if it goes well we'll see" situation, so I didn't argue. "When IS the appointment?" I asked, and she kind of fudged around and changed the subject. I stood there and waited for her to say what time it was at; I felt it was probably around one PM, when I'd normally be sleeping, and I wanted to sigh but when it's a psychological appointment, should you really complain? Still, her hemming and hawing was starting to annoy me; "WHEN is the appointment, Ma?" I prodded. I think maybe I finally got her to admit she didn't know what TIME it was at, just the day. Aaaggghh!! She wasn't fazed by this though, considered it normal, and left my room. She was pretty ditzy in that part.
Now I had to finish getting dressed. I don't remember what I did with the jelpack. But I had to put on these shorts or this top or whatever. All I can remember is it was VERY skimpy and tiny, probably black, kind of dirty looking (as in filthy, dusty, soiled--NOT pervy), kind of padded or quilted. I think I put it on, but then I went to the bathroom to inspect myself. And, um, at the mirror I got a good look at my behind. o_o;; It was covered with this BLACKISH substance, like caked with filth or soot or something...YUCK. And right near the...um...middle, there was a bit of a white substance like chalk. Blech. HOW had all this stuff gotten on me? I felt ashamed like I needed to wash, like I hadn't washed in ages and this had built up; I tried to scrape a bit off. With the way I wore this piece of clothing, this part of the anatomy would be visible to anybody. Humiliating! But more than the nudity it was the DIRT that bothered me! So I'm not sure what I did after that--replaced the clothing, wore something else, stayed home, cleaned myself, or what.
Eric's Last Chance
I had a dream within a dream. In the "outer" dream, I felt a sense of comfort concerning one of the "inner" dreams. Yet now upon awakening it has left me feeling sad and anxious for some reason. It's about somebody who hurt me badly, yet I haven't had a clear dream about him before, and I haven't had any reason to think about him in ages. Thus it puzzles me greatly, why I had it now.
In real life in high school there was a guy named Eric (NO relation to my brother Eric!) who asked me if I wanted to go steady. Idiot that I am, I said yes. I never really felt anything romantic for him though, even though I tried to. I guess I just don't know how to love somebody that way. And there were some times when he REALLY made me feel uncomfortable. He kissed me on the mouth once and to this day I wish I had turned my head away; I didn't kiss him back, it was just him doing it. I sat there like a statue and HATED it. Thank God it was just a peck...blech. On another occasion he parked the car and we sat there for ages (me wondering what the hell was going on!) before he blurted out, "You know, I REALLY want to make out with you right now." GOD! That was a COMPLETE turnoff, as if he ever even turned me on. All I could do was sit there and hide my face and giggle in humiliation before he drove us off to go to the movie like we'd originally planned. At the very least he seemed pretty uncomfortable about that too. Yay. Who on Earth in their right mind would WANT to make out with ME!! Yuck!! I've resorted to thinking he must have been desperate or something.
On another occasion he presented me with a drawing of a dragon he'd made (he loved dragons, as do I) as a birthday present. That was flattering, for him to give me an original image. In return I had my dad carve him a dragon-headed walking stick. Later on, he ended up ASKING FOR THE DRAWING BACK! because he "needed it" for something. So I gave it back to him without complaint. The stick? I let him keep it. He never mentioned wanting to return it. End result--gifts for Eric: two; gifts for Tehuti: zero. Such a wonderful guy, wasn't he?
How he ended up hurting me? (As if all of the above wasn't bad enough.) I entered college and got into the habit of napping after classes on some days. He called me one day and asked if I'd like to see a movie on one of the days I usually napped. I told him I'd have to think about it, but I didn't think I could. He said he would call back the next day...and I didn't hear from him for SIX MONTHS.
I finally wrote to his parents (yes...shameful) to politely ask if they'd just ask him to return a book of mine that he'd borrowed. That was all I wanted back, and then I would never bother him again. Since he couldn't take the time to call me back. I got the book, plus some other stuff that I had GIVEN him to keep, returned--dropped off on the porch. Fitting. I was so angry by how I'd been treated that I wanted my parents to drop off a white stuffed gorilla toy he'd given me before, along with a Lion King card with a picture of Simba and Nala that said something like "I love you" or some such (I was a big LK fan; he seemed to be, but I think he was just pretending); I wanted them to set it on his front step, a fitting end to things. They refused...*sigh* To this day I keep remembering how enthusiastic he was about my story D Is For Damien, which I finished for him and even dedicated to him. At the fairgrounds one day, he even turned to me and said, "I'm your Damien. I'll never hurt you."
GAG!
What ended up happening...he tried calling me from the high school (he was a year younger than I am) while I was asleep one morning, and Ma brought me the phone. I put it to my ear and all I heard him say was, "I know you must be mad at me."
"I don't feel like talking to you right now," I said, and pulled the phone away from my ear. I heard him say something else but I couldn't make it out. I then hung up on him and called Ma to take the phone back. She came and took it; a few minutes later it rang again. She returned and tried to give it to me but I refused to take it.
"This might be your last chance to speak to him!" she whispered, but I shook my head.
Before she could leave I called back, "If he really wants to talk to me that badly, tell him he can do it in a letter."
She left and I heard her say, "Eric?" Then she hung up and that was that. I never heard from him again, though I heard rumors he was seeing another girl, then her MOTHER. I don't know how true that is. All I know is months later I was in the Laundromat with Ma and suddenly noticed him walk by. Our eyes met, then he continued on as if he had no idea who I was. To this day, I wish I hadn't even looked at him.
Sorry for the longwinded real-life entry there, but you needed the background info. :) I still hurt very badly about all of this. Not because I was "jilted," for, as I said, I never felt anything beyond friendship for him. But I was badly betrayed, I feel that he lied to me many times just to try to "get in my pants" (yuck--sorry if I'm flattering myself), and then for him to just glance at me and then away as if he didn't know me...VERY, VERY hurtful. This is one period of my life I would just rather erase as if it had never happened at all. It's obvious I have a lot of unresolved issues about this. When he said, "Would you like to go steady?" I wish I had let him down and just said, "No." I've always wanted to turn down a guy...the ONE time one asks me out, and I missed my chance! Well, I'll never get the chance again, so...
Anyway, for the dream... :) It felt like wish-fulfillment in my outer dream, but like I said now it's just depressing, perhaps because it will never happen, nor could it ever. In it I was walking down a hallway toward a class. (There WAS one part in here in which I was in a class sitting at a desk near the back left corner of the room, all the desks arranged rather haphazardly...I remember taking notes, only maybe they were doodles or random scribblings, as I felt I wasn't paying attention and the female teacher might get mad; she'd already noticed or rebuked me; and I remembered the lighting being VERY poor, as I looked down at my page and groused, "Look at that, this lighting is just a joke anyway." The teacher's comment to me had been something about the light. Can't remember much else except getting up to leave the class and having to gather up all my junk, feeling anxious about being late for my next class.) The hallways were like a cross between the high school's and those at the UAW, maybe; big windows, brownish-taupe-sorta-colored floors made of those weird little smashed tiles or whatever. Earthtones. I was walking along, rather in a hurry, but not rushing. Striding. Other students came up around me--not crowded though--and I just went on my way. I was unusually
confident. I noticed a guy come up beside me on my left and he turned his head and peered at me as if uncertain whether he should be doing so. I looked at him and saw who it was. Eric. He was taller than me, taller than I remembered, but it was him.
I can't exactly remember what he said, but he knew who I was, and may have said, "Hi..." in an uncertain voice, giving an awkward smile. I smiled back and gave a slight nod. I knew that my gesture seemed too rude and sarcastic--why would I be smiling at him?--so I added some speech as well. I didn't want to seem too hostile.
"Hello, Eric."
He may have been a bit relieved, but I turned away and continued walking. He followed. I got the impression he was wondering if there could be a second chance for him, but before he could ask I turned to him and started speaking again. Oh man, if ONLY I could write down here what I said to him!
We came to a weird section of hallway which consisted of us walking up and up and up these spiral things--not quite stairways as there were no stairs; they were like these peach-colored, shiny, flimsy swirls going around and around and around like waterslides or apple peels; we went up and up and up but never got more than a few feet above the floor. A couple of blond girls, long hair, carrying books, came up behind us, going the same way, and at first I felt awkward talking in front of them, but then I took strength from their attention and my voice grew bolder. They listened in on every word I said and they seemed impressed. I was never once rude to Eric, but in effect, now that I look back on it, I was humiliating him right in front of them.
What I said? I can't remember the words, so I can't paraphrase. :( Drat it, because I was GOOD. I was in my element! I would never act like this in real life. I started talking to him, I think, about what he had done to me, just how badly he had hurt me; perhaps he hadn't known at the time what he was doing, but the damage had been done. He'd said he would call, he hadn't, and he hadn't tried hard enough to keep me if that was what he'd wanted. When we'd seen each other again, he'd ignored me completely. I wouldn't hate him (I specifically remember saying, "Those things of mine that you returned to me--aside from the book, I gave those to you, and I meant for you to keep them; you never had to return them") and I wouldn't be bitter toward him, but there WAS no place for a second chance, because he had made it clear he didn't even want to work on the FIRST chance he'd been given. Therefore, no, sorry, but I had to let him down.
Throughout all of this, as I said, I remained calm and never raised my voice or became angry or sarcastic. I was unbelievably restrained, and I may have felt sad, but I don't think I felt bitter. I was telling him the truth, plain and simple. It was evident that this was not my fault, it was his. I didn't say that, but I know he knew it. I spoke clearly and simply and I don't remember him ever cutting in with something; perhaps I never let him? All I know is his eyes became more and more pained the longer I went on, and I could tell he was literally crushed that he would not be given another chance--with ME! Of all people!
I didn't rub it in his face, though God knows I'd like to in real life. I wasn't weeping and wailing or ranting and raving, but neither did I feel smug about hurting him or anything. It's like I was some kind of SAINT or something!! I actually tried my best to let him down easy--sheesh! I think he may have nodded his head sadly when I was done, maybe I wished him the best with someone else or something, bla bla bla, but in any event we parted ways. The two girls behind me were very impressed with what they'd just seen. Eric wandered off and I kept walking up this spiral thing on my way to my classes, and for some reason I felt lighter all over, especially inside. I'd gotten to say my final piece for a change. I finally had closure. Something I never seem to HAVE in real life! And DAMN it felt good!
In the outer dream, I had woken up from this and was in the living room telling Ma(?) about it later on. "That dream gave me a good feeling," I said, and in the outer dream, it did. I felt good about having had it. Like it had told me something, revealed something about myself, shown me that I was stronger than I'd thought, and now I could move on without all that baggage.
Well...things don't work out like that in real life, because here I am, having discovered that BOTH of those scenarios were only dreams, and I still feel lousy about what he did to me. So long story short, my emotions can vacillate a lot whether I'm awake OR asleep. :)
2002 Dreams
HOME