04/20/01
Hamster On The Loose!
Well, it's about time I had another one I could remember...
One little dream dealt, again, with a hamster being loose in my house. This time I don't think it was so much a hamster I had forgotten I owned as a hamster that had just gotten loose and was running around. I believe I was having a hard time catching him, and was afraid he'd bite me because he was mad or irritated or something. Maybe he did. I think I may have been trying to catch the cat at the same time.
A Trip To The Library
I was in what was a cross between my high school and my college. I think I may have been with a group of people but then I decided I wanted to do something else to pass the time. I looked to the side and noticed the library entrance. At first it looked like the college library. I haven't been in there in a while, I thought to myself, and decided to visit, simply leaving the group. I was carrying something, my bookbag I think, or perhaps a binder under my arm, like I was ready to go somewhere. I merely walked off toward it.
When I got there it was more like the library in my high school, which is sunk into the ground right in the middle of the building. There are two doorways into it and they both lead to this upper level where the librarian's desk is; then there are little carpeted stairways leading down into the library itself. A really nice place. The college library was nice too, really big and roomy with a lobby I often dozed off in, but not sunken into the ground like this. I entered from what would have been the Freshman/Junior Hall entrance in real life and headed for the stairs, only to find they were blocked. Something was in the way. I'm not sure what it was. I think of a display, or piles of clothing, or white crates--something white, something on display, something that wasn't supposed to be there permanently but for the moment WAS there and WAS in my way. There were other students around me too. A few down below me, in charge of whatever this was, and some by me, also wanting to get down into the library. I stopped abruptly so I wouldn't run into whatever it was, and waited a bit impatiently. The other students noticed me and I believe they started moving whatever it was, but they were very pokey about it, like they didn't really care. I tried to look nonchalant and unconcerned.
Finally I somehow made it into the library, only now it's like I was going down into it from the other doorway, the Sophomore/Senior Hall entrance. No obstructions here, but I feel it was crowded. I passed by a bookshelf on my right side. I had a book with me about ancient Egypt, I believe, and as I passed the shelf I noticed it was the paranormal/supernatural shelf and I saw a classic book on UFOs. A really old hardcover. That looks interesting, I thought. I looked at a few more books on the same shelf as I passed (there were others behind me and I had to keep moving)--and I noticed there were about three or four copies of this same book. Strange, but perhaps it was popular. I thought of all the different things I'd like to look for--more Egyptian stuff, maybe some UFO stuff. I felt ashamed looking at such a silly topic as UFOs, but it IS what I'm interested in, so why fake it? I also felt a bit guilty that I ALREADY had a lot to read, including the very book I carried, but I don't go to the library often so I thought I'd take advantage of it while I was there.
Multi-Moons & Shooting Stars
Now this dream is a strange confusing one with elements of the "darkness falling" dreams, or else I'd put it in the "strange sky lights" category--I've had lots of dreams about UFOs and planets and moons and weird sunsets showing up. So perhaps it's not so much the darkness falling that's a theme with me as strange lights in the sky, and the dimming sun falls in with the rest? In any case, I was outside with my cat Pepper and it was nice out, probably summer only the sky was more visible than it would be since we're surrounded by trees in real life. My cat is deaf, and now I'm afraid she's going blind. :( She bumps into things and doesn't seem to know where she's going. In my dream I was keeping a close eye on her while she was outside so she wouldn't get in trouble. We were out there for a long time and it eventually got dark; Ma pulled in the long driveway and her lights were on. She was home to do my hair or else take me shopping, probably the former even though it was so dark. I was going to go in the house to get my hair ready but I got distracted by the moon which was low in the north. Ma came over to the short driveway with me and we looked at it up in the sky. "Is that the moon?" I asked, because something VERY strange was going on. There was more than one moon. There were about three moon-looking things, full and glowing, all in a diagonal row going from bottom right to upper left; and then there was a round DARK shape, like a new moon, only visible in the purpling sky. All in a line like that. Ma and I stood and stared at them for a while. She seemed not to be too confused but I have to admit *I* was. "There's the moon," I said, pointing at the first and biggest of the lights. Then I frowned as Ma looked at it. "But then...isn't THAT the moon over there?"
I pointed further to the left. She looked. It was like there was a sunrise/sunset to the left of the moons, still in the north--and it was a hazy glowing MOON that appeared to be halfway above the horizon. It wasn't full, perhaps crescent, and not glowing brightly--you know those sci-fi pictures you see of planets up in the sky, you can see the surface and the craters and they aren't really glowing but you can make them out, like in a daytime sky--that's what it looked like. It was partly in shadow and not bright but it was visible. The sky here was lighter purple, sort of puce. The right side of the moon was lit up brighter. And it was HUGE. I frowned at this as it TRULY confused me. If THAT was our moon--then what were those OTHER things? What was going on here?
I turned away from the multiple moons and walked over by the garage, looking up into the high southeastern sky. Now there appeared to be more leaves as it was harder to see the sky above, but I saw three VERY bright "stars" in a row or else in a rather flattened triangle. I pointed them out to Ma when she joined me. "There's Orion's belt," I said, then immediately thought it over. WAS that really Orion? He was in the wrong part of the sky--he should have been further to the west. And the stars were VERY bright. I couldn't make out the rest of Orion. Just what "stars" WERE those? Ma was merely puzzled, a sort of "Huh, what do you know," reaction, but I was BEYOND baffled. All these things I kept pointing out, knowing what they were, well, I didn't know what they were anymore. It was all too strange for me to handle and I felt not only confused but somewhat anxious and frightened.
What was going on with these things in the sky??
As if that weren't enough, NOW there were some shooting stars. They came zooming down out of the high southern sky, down into the east. Great fiery stars. Ma and I watched the first ones go flaming over, and then a second batch (two or three at once) followed. This time I thought to make a wish, and it was a phrase I say every night when I pray: "Please help me to do the right thing." Whatever that right thing may mean. Only AFTER I had said this did I suddenly think of Pepper again. And I immediately felt guilty and ashamed. What I had REALLY wanted to wish for was for HER benefit, for HER not to suffer. And here I had selfishly wished for MYSELF instead. I wished that I'd thought of this sooner when the first batch of stars went over, then I could have wished twice, but I hadn't thought of it then. Now the chance was wasted, I'd used up my wish, and Pepper was no better off than she had been before.
As if the wish would have helped her anyway, but still...
I had to go find her, as it was. I'd forgotten about her while Ma and I had been watching the skies. She was wandering around out here in the dark and I had no idea where she was! I turned back to the house and the porch light was on--I saw Pepper wandering aimlessly around near Dad's Explorer, and picked her up before she could crawl under it. We all went inside. And that's when things got horrible.
Dad was home and he was drunk for some reason. As Ma had gotten home somewhat late (although maybe it was just darker than usual), he kept insinuating that she was cheating on him. This was INCREDIBLY, UNSPEAKABLY hurtful to me. Ma would NOT cheat on him, and I believe he knew it. Still, he kept tossing out these rude little hints in a snide joking way. Ma, for the most part, ignored him. She didn't even seem to care. But he just kept walking around the house keeping it up. It drilled into my head and it wouldn't let go or go away. I couldn't take it anymore. The first time he said something, I murmured at him to knock it off and he quieted down for a bit. Then when he started it up again, and said something about a "stag party"--I don't know--for some reason he thought Ma had something to do with one--I completely lost it.
I launched myself at Dad and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and started shaking and screaming in his face. At this point I can no longer recall most of what I said, but it was along the lines of telling him to stop saying what he was saying because we KNEW it wasn't true, and Ma did not deserve it. "SHE NEVER DOES ANYTHING TO HURT YOU!" I screamed at him. "AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING, ALL YOU CAN DO IS HURT HER BACK! WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP FOR ONCE!" (I specifically remember yelling at him to "Shut up," which I haven't said to him in years, because he's said he'll take a dollar away from me for every time I tell him to shut up.) I shook my fist in his face. "SHE'S NEVER EVEN HIT YOU! BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THAT WOULD HURT YOU AND SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT! I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW BUT I'LL NEVER DO THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT WOULD HURT YOU! WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO HURT *HER*? WHEN SHE'S NEVER DONE SO MUCH AS ONE THING TO YOU!"
God help me though, he was waving his hands in this really weak way and trying to break away--like I was really strong all of a sudden--and everything I was saying seemed to be going over his head--and I was SO TEMPTED to hit him, right then and there, just to get it through to him. I couldn't believe how unconcerned he was about hurting someone else, and how angry I was about it. I wanted NOTHING MORE than to punch him in the face at that moment.
I've often said that I'd rather be physically punched than hurt emotionally, and I do believe I mean it. I wonder if this dream had anything to do with the way I feel about that, with how I equated what Dad was saying with a punch to the face. A punch seemed a whole lot less hurtful than his "mere words."
When I woke up to my alarm clock the dream left a bad feeling with me.
2001 Dreams
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