03/30/01
Bills Of Anger
I actually had this the other night and didn't post it because I thought it'd just fade away, being the little "insignificant" fragment that it is, but it's stuck with me two days so far...
Recently in real life the bills had all piled up, the car insurance payment for Dad's vehicle was late and they were calling him at work, and he was getting angry about it. Ma finally took a day off from work to go borrow money from Grandma...that says a lot about how bad it was, that she actually TOOK A DAY OFF to do it. (Any other time she can't "afford" to take a day off--unless it's for something she really wants to do, or for a doctor's appointment for her...) Anyway, the bills ended up being paid, even though she had to borrow some money and use all of mine. It feels good not to have to worry about what might be hanging on the door when I get up or about what might have been turned off while I slept, but the gas bill just came again today...
In my dream, even though I'd thought she'd paid the car insurance, we got another bill from them, or perhaps it was a notice saying they were revoking it; in any case, I went into the dining room and heard Dad working on something in the basement, and everything was as normal as ever. I spotted a paper on the ironing board and went to look at it. It was the form from the car insurance people, and Dad had scribbled a note on it to Ma, as he often does when he wants her to pay something. (And they're usually not nice notes.)
This one was the worst one I'd ever seen.
I can't remember the exact words and don't want to. It pretty much said that he was sick and tired of her not paying the bills on time, that this was the LAST time it was going to happen, and that he was leaving her. I can't remember if it also said he was leaving her for someone else or if he was just leaving, but it didn't matter. I heard him in the basement carving something and he was whistling cheerfully as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Me, my chest started heaving as I looked at the note. I felt so sick, like I was dying inside. I went to my room and fell down on my bed--I was so sick, I could barely even get out a sound, could barely even cry--yet I started sobbing anyway, making these sick gasping sounds, I felt so horrible. I could hardly get a sound out but I WANTED to get a sound out--I wanted Dad to HEAR me sobbing, I wanted him to KNOW how badly I hurt, how much his actions--and then his seeming indifference--had hurt me. It was a damn BILL. The car insurance has been revoked before. So you end up paying a bit more. It happens. But to LEAVE MA over it? As if that would do any of us any good? What about me? He didn't hear me sobbing, he didn't come in to see what was wrong, he didn't stop whistling or carving. Didn't he ever stop to think about Ma's feelings? She wasn't even home yet! Didn't he ever stop to think about ME? I WAS home, I was HERE, he didn't even CARE anymore! All over some DAMN STUPID BILL!
The Comforting Flood
This dream stuck with me very much. In real life that day, I had needed to get up to record the first half of a program in the afternoon, but then I went back to bed for about an hour. I fidgeted around a while and finally ended up going to sleep on my stomach. In my dream, I wanted to take a bath, but then after I had run the water and gotten in, I wanted to leave it and go take a nap. Everything seemed to haze out or else I just don't remember it clearly. I came to picking something small off my skin and flicking it away. It landed in the water and I watched it go, to see where it would land. I noticed the edge of a piece of cloth hanging in the water. Then I started looking around some more, a little confused as to where I was.
I was lying in bed, on my stomach, in my bedroom. It was afternoon; I could tell by the direction of the bit of light that managed to make it into my room around the edges of the black paper covering my windows. It was sunny outside, because little cracks of light poured in and fell on the surface of the...water?
That's right...water...my whole bedroom...the floor was submerged under several inches of crystal-clear water.
I blinked and looked down at it with some awe. I'd wanted to take a bath, and I'd wanted to take a nap. So, well, all right, here I was, doing both. I wasn't in the water myself, but there it was all around my bed, should I want to step in.
This dream was just so very strange...it was so VIVID. I could literally see EVERY little detail around me, even though I can't remember it all. It felt so REAL! All the objects in my room that were on the floor were submerged and should have been soaking, yet the water wasn't damaging them at all. It just lay around and upon them, little sparkles lighting its surface where the sunlight struck it, a calm peaceful pool in my room. I clearly remember seeing the edge of my blanket trailing off the bed into the water. Even the color, the texture of my blanket were the same as in real life. Still lying on my stomach, I picked up the edge of the blanket from the water, wondering why it didn't get soaked. Why wasn't ANYTHING getting soaked? I gently dropped it back into the water and then dipped my fingers in as well. It's like everything in my room had gone waterproof. Even the carpeting didn't appear to be squishy. The water was not soaking into anything. I felt it, swirled my hand around in it from my bed; it was warm and pleasant. My big dim room with the little bits of sunlight floating in and striking the water here and there--it was like I was in some strange yet comforting cave. I felt as if I could get out of bed and walk around in the water however much I wished--being in my room, taking a nap, and a bath, all at once. Even though, as I said, my bed was above the waterline, and I never did get up and walk around, just lay on my stomach, staring at the water and at my belongings which, though covered by it, didn't even seem to have been touched by it at all.
I thought this dream would have just faded away rapidly, seeing as it had hardly anything to it...but it really stuck with me. For some reason it felt so comforting. As strange as it was, as much as I would LOATHE it in real life, I LIKED my "flooded" room. It sort of reminds me of dreams I've had where I'm outside at night, in wintertime, yet the snow isn't cold--I can run around in it in my bare feet and it doesn't freeze me. This dream was similar--there was the water, which could have destroyed everything in my room, yet it was as harmless as it is when it's inside a tub, and I liked that it was there.
I kind of wanted to have another dream like that last night...first my pirate dream with the nice green water, now this nice warm water all over my bedroom floor...but alas, not one "water" dream that I can recall last night...just some weird stuff with fruit and balloons and a funny chimney at my grandma's house. ^_^ But it's rather too hard to even try describing so I believe I'll just keep that one to myself at least for now...
2001 Dreams
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