More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Kirstie Alley

I was in some kind of store. I think it was a bookstore, because I went over to look at the magazines and they had at least two X-Files magazines or comic books. I thought, "I'm going to get these." Then I went over to look at the books. I noticed that they had a hardcover X-Files book. There are two of them out so far in real life, Ground Zero and Ruins. I think Ground Zero is in softcover now and in real life I had a chance to get it but I didn't because I thought I'd probably be able to order it. In the dream, they were hardcover but they were like compilations of comics. I thought, "Oo, I've gotta get this." Then I thought, "No, maybe not. Maybe I can just order it." Then I saw that they had order slips for it, because they thought it was going to sell out soon, and I thought, "Maybe I can have one of these order slips. That way I can reserve a copy." I didn't know if it would work out that way, but I decided I would. So I took an order slip from the lady at the counter and I think I filled it out or something, and she gave me a book; it cost about $20, but I had it on credit or something so I could pay later.

Ma came along while I was doing this. I looked up and saw other X-Files books but thought, "I can get those later because they're newer ones and there are more copies." Then I thought, "Do we have the money to pay for this?"

I thought about it, but Ma said, "You did the right thing," so I guess it didn't matter that I'd gotten it or not.

I then looked at a book that was from several different points of view. It was like it was written by a different person, but it was written by me too, because it had my character Lt. Kincaid in it! I thought, "Is this really Kincaid?" It said something about him having lots of weird hallucinations in his sleep, so I thought, "Yeah, that's Kincaid!" One of the characters had something to do with law which made me think, "I knew it! I knew he had something to do with the law!"...but then I found out that he was like a robot cop. *LOL* This gets kind of confusing and kind of sick. The book had something to do with grapes, but the grapes represented semen, I think...it was really weird. The book said that the robot cop had something to do with it. Somebody was talking to him and he was polite, like, "Well, no, Sir; no, Ma'am." I can't remember exactly all that it was about. But if somebody opened up one of these grapes or semen or whatever it was, stuff would come out. The book (or the characters?) talked about this and said that a woman would do it or something. It had something to do with the menstrual cycle, I don't know.

Then Kirstie Alley came flouncing in, and she was the one who was going to do it, I think, because I think she spilled some grapes or something and people were staring at her and she said, "Do you mind?" or something like that. She was acting like Rebecca on Cheers. So we found out that she was the woman.

Sometimes A Phallic Symbol Is Just A Phallic Symbol

In real life yesterday I found some dirt on my leg and I didn't know how it got there, so I washed it off. In my dream, I was standing on the porch and I think it had something to do with my character Puck Benteen. I had some dirt on my leg, so I started washing it off. Then it's like I started washing my foot, then my other foot, and I thought, "Well, why don't I just take a bath!" So I started taking a bath right there on the porch! O_o It was really weird. It had something to do with Puck.

Here's another kind of gross part. There was some kind of black phallic symbol! I'm not sure exactly how it fit in (no pun intended). I seemed to be telling this dream to another person, and I told them about Puck and about how the person (me?) was taking a bath. I was relating the dream on tape, recording it, and I was embarrassed to tell about the phallic symbol. I was trying to think of a way to put it delicately, because it was this black effigy; that's the only word I can think of. It's like I was doing this in my parents' bedroom in front of the big mirror, kind of looking around in the corner; I don't know what I was looking for. Maybe I was looking for the phallic symbol, I don't know. It was embarrassing to me.

I think while I was recording this, the tape stopped moving, so I rewound and tried to play it to see if it was playing weirdly. It seemed like it had been recording well, but I put in some new batteries anyway, and set it up again.

When I was talking about this phallic symbol, it was very obviously exactly that--it seemed to be made out of something black, like maybe magma, or some kind of black stone, but I think firstly of magma. Maybe it was about six inches long, but I'm not sure.

This dream might have shifted into "Stacking The Cars."

Stacking The Cars

This dream might have shifted out of "Sometimes A Phallic Symbol Is Just A Phallic Symbol."

I was with some people, a couple of guys. First it's like I wasn't with them; I was just watching them, like they were on a show. I think they were two English professors or something. They were walking along the sidewalk, chatting with each other.

"You should get rid of your wife," one of them said.

"You should get rid of your car!"

"Would you ever climb on top of your car?"

"Well, no, I wouldn't do that!"

They were making weird jokes; I can't remember what the jokes were. But when they said this I imagined cars being stacked on top of each other. O_o


I was trying to jump on a trampoline. First it was something you weren't supposed to jump on, like those things firefighters hold out to catch people when they jump, but then it was like a trampoline. I wasn't really jumping on it, but I was pretending to, and pretending to do flips.

Garnets & Puppets & Gerbils, Oh My!

I was with someone and we were walking into this restaurant. It was an outside restaurant with tables and such outside in the sun, on a patio. These two people sat down; one sat on one side of the table, and one sat on this chair, but they sat on it only halfway. There wasn't enough room for me. :/ I was trying to find a way to get room on this chair. I turned to the side and there were these birds, pigeons, or else cats walking around. I picked up one of them. I kept poking the person sitting halfway on the chair with it. Finally they moved far enough and I took half of the seat and kind of smiled at them and told them how I'd used the animal to get room on this seat.

Then it's like we had solved some kind of mystery. This cat had been starving to death and now that we'd found it, we had to solve the mystery. I think it was a calico and it was really thin. It was really strange.

THEN, the dream had something to do with a guy who was in the inner part of the restaurant while this was happening; I seemed to be watching this now on TV. There was this guy with a pie and a French chef cut it open. Out came some kind of green sliced thing; it looked like carrots only it was green. There was a reddish carrotlike thing in it too. These were supposed to be emeralds and garnets hidden inside a pie. I thought, "They could have made them look like emeralds and garnets." They really were supposed to be, but they didn't look like gems, they looked like vegetables. The chef was interested in the garnets and said, "Oohhhhhh." I thought, "Well, I'd be more interested in the emeralds! Oohhhhhh!" They were sitting beside a window.

I was still watching TV, and now there was this guy who was like a street hood. He had black greasy, frizzy hair that went down past his ears, and a mustache. I think he introduced himself as James Bond. ^_^ He had a cat puppet, and he flipped it inside out--it was hiding his wallet! Somebody--a kid, I think--was narrating, saying, "He (Dad?) used it to hide his stuff!" So maybe this man was the kid's dad. It was funny, because he thought he was so cool about that.

While we (?) were watching this, Dad came into the room with some kind of squirt toy--it had a long thin tube and a squeeze thing on the end, and it had a squirting thing on the other end. Dad said breathlessly, "Where's the gerbil?"

I just pointed at the gerbil cage and he started squirting at it and the gerbil started jumping around! I began pretending to be the gerbil and exclaimed, "Eee!! Eee!! Aah!! Aah!!" because I thought it was funny.

Available illustrations:

* The squirt toy ([left arrow] squeeze to squirt) Dad used on the gerbil.
The circled area indicates I can't remember what was on the squirting end; Dad's hand concealed it.

Speak Up!

I had heard a message on the phone (or answering machine?). It was staticky and I think it was from Grandma H. I was listening to it and it wasn't as staticky as it used to be, because in real life we've had our phone fixed. But I couldn't understand what she was saying. It sounded like mumbling. In part of this I also wondered if I should call Mya (old best friend) long distance, if I should even bother her.

The Big Whompin' X-Files Dream

This started out as an X-Files dream, and it was really interesting. First it was Scully and some kind of friend of hers who was like a secretary and kind of nerdy looking--she made me think of the fat woman who survived in the episode with the vampire who sucked fat from women--she had black hair, only she was wearing glasses. They were in an office and there was a big poster on the wall. It was for a book, but it looked like a movie poster. It was called Best Friends. There were two subtitles; one at the top, which I couldn't read, and one underneath the title, which said something like "It's exactly what it says it's about." It was some kind of thriller or horror story. I looked at it; in the upper lefthand corner there was a girl running from a house so she couldn't be beaten by her father or something; near the bottom there were two girls standing by each other--one of them looked like Scully, and one of them looked like this other woman with the black hair. There were some other things on the poster, too. I can't remember the author's name; his last name was a weird word, like "Parsimonious." He had written this book--it was fictional, I believe--but he had used Scully and her friend as characters, only changing their names slightly. It was kind of like an honor that he'd done this, so they'd put this poster on the wall.

Mulder came in and saw the poster and I felt like I was Scully now; I pointed at the redheaded figure on it and said, "Do you know that this is me?" For some reason they had to go look for the author of this book; I don't know, it was one of their weird X-File cases. So Mulder and Scully left the office.

Now I seemed to be Mulder, and we were getting on these bikes and riding down a road that was like G. Road (nearby in real life), heading north. I was in the front, and I kept turning back and yelling at Scully, "Try to keep up! Keep looking behind you to make sure that we're not being followed! If you see anybody following us, be careful!" I had the feeling we were going to be followed.

We kept riding along this road, and it started twisting the further along we went. We were passing these big huge Southern mansions on the bank of a river. They were like big plantation houses, but they were all so dilapidated. These things were falling apart for some reason. This was extremely depressing and scary. Scully seemed to moan when she saw these--"Oh, man"--because they were all in such terrible condition. We passed a big huge brick-red house, and I remember clearly having the feeling that if we rode our bikes across the porch, the whole thing would have fallen apart, because it looked like every single board and brick was coming out of it. These houses were just terrible looking--roofs were caving in and everything. I was still Mulder, but it's like I was controlling Scully too, and we just kept riding past these houses.

We seemed to change direction and rode under where the roofs of two houses joined over the path, like a tunnel. I was getting a nervous feeling riding under these, but I thought, "Well, it's the only way we can get through." By now I think we were being followed--maybe by a red van, I'm not sure--but I said, "Come on, Scully," and we kept going under these eaves that stuck out over the path. We knew we were being followed so we went into something like a barn. We ditched the bikes and scuttled behind some hay. Now I was Scully again. Mulder hid someplace else, and I hid behind this upright bale of hay.

Some people came into the barn. At first I was controlling them too, all of the characters, what they would say and how they would act and everything. This scruffy-looking guy came in--he made me think of a scruffier Jeff Foxworthy, is how I would describe him. I think he found Mulder, so I carefully stepped out. The scruffy man asked, "What are you doing here? What are you doing?" He was really surprised that we were in there. Then I started to control him and I gave him a Southern-type accent like Jeff Foxworthy has. He said, "Why don't you come in the haouse?"--just this really thick, weird Southern accent. He was really nice. He added, "We thought you had the cake! We thought you had the cake!" They had some kind of party or wedding going on, and he thought that we were the people delivering this big cake. But we weren't, we were FBI agents. ^_^ So he invited us into the house. Our clothes were all dirty and stuff from being in the barn, but he still invited us in. It was a big Southern-type plantation house, but this one was in good condition. It was kind of modern, too, because there were like these big plateglass windows.

I don't know if I was Mulder or Scully now, but one of us said to the other, "You know, isn't it strange that this house is in good condition? We're going to have to ask this guy what's going on, why it's in good shape."

Then we went inside. A brief period of time passed, then I was Scully and I was standing in front of this glass cabinet, looking at some things inside. I was dressed in this fancy dress--not overly fancy, but still nice. Mulder came along and his clothes had changed too--he was wearing a simple tuxedo, sort of. He said something like, "Scully! You look almost normal!"

To which I replied, "Well, thanks, I think, Mulder. You look almost normal, too!" ^_^

We started talking about how this house could still be here. I think I was still Scully and I said, "Mulder, don't you find it strange that all these other houses are so dilapidated and this one's still in good condition? I mean, it can't be due to rebuilding," or something like that. We kept talking about it.

We started looking around the place. There was this big central pillar--it had like four or five sides--and there were people sitting on a bench that wrapped around the bottom of it, people in fancy dresses and such. I don't know if I was Mulder now or not, but there was like cloth around the top of the pillar--puffed-out cloth, and it had Disney characters all over it. I started looking at it. I saw a little thing for Pocahontas, and this and that, a whole bunch of their classics like Snow White and things. I was looking for The Lion King. There were several panels on this, at least five or six, but I couldn't find that movie and I thought, "UGH, if they don't have The Lion King, I'm gonna be really pissed off!"--because they even had some newer movies represented, like Pocahontas, which came out after The Lion King. >:/ Finally when I came around to the side I'd already looked at, I noticed that at the bottom, upside-down, was Pumbaa; he was wearing some kind of clown outfit and he was screaming. I thought, "Well, at least they have one character for The Lion King."

The dream changed here, and now I was lying in bed on my right side, thinking, "I could write an X-Files story based on this!" I wondered if it would be hard to write, like about cops and people doing autopsies and police procedure, but I thought, "Well, I've tried to do that in my other stories and I've carried it off reasonably well. I could probably do it better than some of these other people who write X-Files books!" It's like I was in bed with my pad of paper and pencil. This might have been a half-awake dream as it seemed very, very realistic. I mean, even my objections to how I'd write an X-Files story were what they'd be in real life, like how would I get the procedure right? I was staring at my wall while I did this. I thought, "Yeah, I think I'll write that down."

Then it's like I was doing some kind of interview for a magazine or something, and it said, "Rachel goes to bed with a pad of paper and a pencil to record her dreams!" or something like that. It was really weird.

This dream might have shifted into "Shirt Shopping."

Available illustrations:

* [right arrow] The hay I hid behind.
[left arrow] wooden pole. [up arrow] source of light? [left arrow] more hay? (I can't remember what was in this area, but it also shielded me)

* The central pillar in the mansion was similar to this; several-sided [sic], w/ a bench & fabric top w/ Disney pattern.

Shirt Shopping

This dream might have shifted out of "The Big Whompin' X-Files Dream."

I seemed to go back into the dream, and now I was in a store. I don't know if this was still the X-Files dream (see "The Big Whompin' X-Files Dream") or not. It seemed I was with my brother Eric and we were walking through this store. There was some kind of cast-iron bin with big huge shirts in it. Eric walked by and I picked one up and said, "Hey Eric, look! Dad sized!" >_<

He looked at it and said, "Is it large?" I believe it was "medium-large" or something like that, even though it was really big. Eric said, "No, Dad takes large." (In real life I believe he takes triple X.) I think the shirts were turquoise plaid and blue plaid and such.

We kept on walking through the store. I remember folding some clothes at one point, some things that had been given to me; a couple were Lion King shirts. I think one was a pink shirt with an embroidered outline of Simba on it, and it had all his features and everything but it wasn't colored in; I believe it was done in magenta thread. Then there was a kind of metallic pink shirt with the same thing, only I'm not sure if it was Simba or Nala--they were a cub. I thought, "Oh, these are so CUTE!" I didn't know what I was going to do with them, but I thought they were cute.

This dream might have shifted into "Funbuses!"


This dream might have shifted out of "Shirt Shopping."

I was looking out my bedroom window and I saw a bus go by. I thought, "Lord, it's Monday! It's Labor Day! There's not supposed to be any school today!" But then I saw another bus go by. I noticed these were funny-looking buses; they had odd rounded tops and looked like funhouse buses or something; it was really weird. A whole bunch more started driving by, and as they passed I noticed they were open, like tour vehicles (open on the sides, that is), and there were kids in them jumping up and down and cheering and such.

Then it's like I was looking at the outside of some kind of funland, and this was where the buses were coming from. I was looking south down the highway. The buses kept going by, coming out of this funland. There were big rides and a guy walked by dressed like a hotdog. ^_^ Then I seemed to be trying to draw a picture of it. There was a little girl standing outside the front. First she was going to be dressed like a hotdog. I drew her head, then her feet, then a hand holding an ice cream cone, and I was trying to draw in the body--now I had decided she was going to be a red balloon--but I couldn't get it right. So I kept erasing her legs and hand and everything and trying to draw it in right, but the balloon always came out lopsided. :/

This dream might have shifted into "The Neverending Junk Dream."

The Neverending Junk Dream

This dream might have shifted out of "Funbuses!"

I was in my brother Eric's upstairs bedroom. I seemed to be cleaning it. It's like I was up there, but also in front of the cabinets in the living room downstairs, so it was really confusing. First I was taking stuff out of a bag and organizing it, like books over here, junk over here, cans of food over here, clothes over here.

While I was doing this, it's like they (?) were talking a lot, and there was this guy that they were talking to. I think of popcorn; I know that at some point in here I was eating some. I can't remember exactly how it went. But they (whoever they were) were talking to this guy and he had a fear of dogs or something like that. First they would put him near one dog and it would be all right, and two dogs would be okay, a dozen dogs would be kind of tense; they talked about how all the dogs were different--there would be a friendly dog, and a snarling dog, and everything. This guy was kind of tense about it. (Maybe this was on TV?)

I just kept picking stuff up and moving it around. Finally it came to this part where I was gong to take the stuff and put it back in the bag. Eric was sitting nearby. In part of this, I think it was like a girlfriend of Eric's or of someone else; she passed out in the kitchen or something and hit her head. We carried her into the living room. I had been ready to eat some mint ice cream with some chocolate on top, but now this came up. So we set her on the couch--maybe she looked like Tia Carrere but I don't know--and she finally came to. I had some cold cloth on her head and I said, "Would you like anything for your head?"

She said, "Some ice." I had a pack of ice in my hand, but I thought no, maybe I'd better get a new one out of the fridge because this one's been used and it might not be as cold. So I got a pack of ice out of the fridge, came back in, and put it on her head. She was eating a big bag of popcorn--I had heated up a big bag of popcorn in the microwave and it was ready to burst.

Ma was sitting beside me on the right side, I sat in the middle of the couch, and Simon & Simon came on. Earlier in the dream I had said to Ma, "I don't think it's going to be on," because it was around 11:04 or 11:34 and something was just starting. But now it was on and I said, "I didn't even hear the theme song!"

Ma said, "Maybe they didn't play it."

I looked at her (Ma's or the girlfriend's?) popcorn and I think I took a little bit of it. I thought, "I was going to eat some ice cream and then all this came up." I was making a joke out of it and everything, trying to cheer her up.

I remember when I had taken the ice out of the fridge, I had gone to wrap it. There was a bag with something in it, maybe a cover cloth for a corn bag that you heat up in the microwave--but I took the bag out and put the ice in it so it wouldn't be dirty or anything and the injured girl could put it against her head.

Anyway, when I was cleaning Eric's room, I finally had all this stuff and I turned to Eric and said, "Well, where do you want me to put it? Do you want me to put it in the bag?"

He said, "Oh, I don't care."

So I started putting all the cans in the bag, but then I saw the cabinet beside me and asked, "Would you rather have me put them in the cabinet?" Eric looked kind of indecisive and I said, "Okay, I'll put them in the cabinet." I pulled all the cans out and started shoving them back in there--big cans, little cans--and one of them was tomato sauce or something. It had a picture of a guy or a skeleton on the front. He was smiling and it said, "New sour flavor!" or something. I thought, "Sour flavor." Then I picked up some junk and thought, "Ah, I could put some of that in here too." So I put some of that in the cabinet.

I think we were looking at some posters of Hootie & The Blowfish, and we were listening to something--we were watching things on TV, too. There was a group that was like Hootie & The Blowfish, only they had a different name. Dad was watching it with us. Then they showed this black guy with funny hair and I said, "I know him! Rick--"

"--James!" Dad finished. I started singing "Super Freak." The video was really weird--he kept changing and was spazzing out, like jumping around and singing and stuff. I thought, "I wonder when he'll change into a businessman like MC Hammer," because Hammer had this cleancut look to him. In this video Rick James and MC Hammer were the same person--really weird.

I just kept picking up this junk! There was like a rubber band or something, and some clothes. I was putting these around Eric's bed or on the floor or in the cabinet or in a bag. I started putting a lot of stuff in a bag. I had a big mechanical pencil, only it seemed to be foam rubber and it was bendable. It said you could put this certain kind of lead in it--just not brittle lead. I was bending it. I opened it and the lead kept falling out, so I took all of it out and started getting ready to put it in my regular pencil, but some of the lead had little sticky labels stuck to it. SO, I was peeling off the labels, and then the glue they left behind, the gummy stuff. I was going to recycle this lead in my own pencil because I didn't like this big foam pencil I could bend.

While I was digging through this stuff I came across a four-part book series. It had something to do with Michael J. Fox and this girl, and a prince, a princess, a king, a queen, and some kind of mystery. It was like a Choose Your Own Adventure-type book. There were three of them I saw at first, and I started to put them in the cabinet; then I thought, "Wait a minute, these'll probably be interesting; I think I'll look at them." I did so; the first was called Prince or Princess; the third one was called Prince or Princess, or maybe King or Queen; and the one that would logically follow, I didn't see and I thought, "Maybe it's a three-parter." So I looked at the back of the book but it said no, it was a four-parter. I was disappointed. :/ I turned to Eric and said, "Did you ever get the last part of this series?"

He replied, "I don't know, I don't care."

"Nuts!" I groused. "I'm going to have to order it through the bookstore, and I don't think they'll have it because this is an old series." :( But then I turned and saw a book lying on the floor--it was called something like The Kingdom Tunnels or The Presidential Tunnels, and that was supposed to be like a king. "Oh, there it is right there!" I exclaimed. "Oh, great!" I took the books and picked them up and had all four of them! :) "Great! I'm going to read these!" As I said they were like Choose Your Own Adventure, but you were supposed to read the whole book along the way. It made me happy that I'd found these.

1996 Dreams